Dear Addie,
This past Sunday I sat listening to mass in what has become our new normal of our home. With the school year drawing to a close, Father spoke about the 8th grader questions he received in years past as they prepared to move to the next chapter of High school and confirmation. All the questions were seemingly around our faith and our ever-evolving society. He cleverly used a GPS analogy to explain how we are always recalculating in our lives. This my dear was an all too relatable analogy that left me unexpectedly in tears as I sat listening that day.
He was 100% right, our lives are not straight lines or black and white printed out MapQuest instructions. Rather, it’s a series of recalculations. Yes Addie, we used to print directions, or use paper maps to get places. But I digress...
Recalculating. Years of people asking me what this journey feels like, and that’s it. But not just a recalculation once, but constantly. Every time we think we know the way, our GPS instructs us differently - recalculating.
Addie we’ve been on many road trips, long, like very long road trips - planes aren’t exactly your favorite, nor is our world perfect where people have compassion for a sensory meltdown, especially in the confinement of a plane. Even if we’ve been on a trip from point A to point B a thousand times, we always use the GPS to help guide us. It's there to help us find a new path when challenges have popped up, like road construction or traffic along the way. GPS is a good thing Addie. It’s nice to have advance notice of changes coming up, kind of like someone is always looking out for you, ya know?
But before any challenges like road construction are encountered, comes the plan for an amazing trip full of experiences and everlasting memories - oh and snacks! When you have kids there are lots of snacks!
The Plan.
When you become a parent you will likely meet other parents who have little ones all about the same age. Maybe at the park, preschool or Target - hey, you never know. ;) You build friendships and maybe even start sharing gatherings of birthday parties and BBQs with one another. Parenthood seems to be going along splendidly and all is right in the world. As the years go by maybe you up your game and begin planning vacations or weekend getaways with your little families together. All good right?!
This journey feels like a weekend getaway with friends - like we are on a trip to the beach where everyone was headed to the same destination, but somewhere along the way we took a turn and our GPS is continually recalculating. Our friends have made it and are enjoying “the plan” and we are watching from afar or hearing their stories. But where are we? We are struggling to get there, searching for clarity in our directions because we can’t wait to splash in the waves too, but our GPS just keeps, you guessed it, recalculating.
While the beach is just an analogy, we’ve had plenty of moments all too similar.
We’ve watched our friends celebrate first communions.
Their kids can all use the bathroom and wash their hands unassisted and without reminders.
They ride bikes independently, while we are exploring the options of oversized tricycles.
They can eat out at restaurants without a second thought.
Sit on the beach or poolside watching their kids splash and play - Where are we? We are in the thick of it, probably apologizing for you stealing another child’s toys. Recalculating.
It feels like everyone just made it to Point B way before us or just made it there in general, while we are still being recalculated to what feels like driving in circles. This is when our GPS should give you a disclaimer or warning saying “recalculating and beware the comparison game is straight ahead!” Nobody wants to fall victim to this game and it’s not exactly the greatest way of life, but we are human and it comes with the territory of living a little “different” than others. With every recalculation, there’s always this everlasting hope that somehow it’s going to get easier, that we would get back on track and back to the beach with our friends.
The recalculation in this journey is truly an emotional roller coaster. Friends you’ve known forever can eventually become distant in the complexity of our social commitment level and it’s no one's fault, they are just headed to point B with a different GPS, in a different car.
As I sat listening probably thinking way too long and hard about how this related
to our life, you walked over to me and handed me a band-aid, signaling you wanted it on a scratch on your foot. A band-aid Addie. Some would find absolutely no significance in this, but I can tell you in your almost 9 And 1/2 years of life with some real gushers of boo-boos, a band-aid was always a huge “thanks but no thanks” from you! We seriously would layer socks on you just to prevent a cut toe from bleeding all over the house! And here you were handing me a band-aid that you sought out and wanted on. No fighting, just a simple request that I remember so vividly Clara and Gabe as toddlers asking for. It’s one of those parental wizardry moments - band-aids make every boo-boo better (oh and a kiss from mama;). Did you suddenly believe in the wizardry? Was this a turning point? Did our GPS of “band-aids are helpful, not evil” finally recalculate after all these years?
Once again you came in when my thoughts were running wild reminding me that life is all about the journey and not just the destination.
You see Addie, in all these recalculations we have met some of the greatest people, friends that feel like family and it saddens me sometimes to think what would’ve happened had we made it straight to point B?
The truth of the matter is it's really hard to not be frustrated with our directions or lack thereof really, but nobody should ever be on the same journey. You see darling, while some will make it to point B and splash in the waves making memories, it’s important to remember that they too probably had a series of recalculations to get there.
Life is constantly recalculating, often changing how we thought “the plan” would be, but if we continue to compare our GPS to someone else’s, we may miss the joy that often hard recalculations bring.
I found this quote recently and it spoke volumes for me at this stage in my life on this journey...
“Things never go the way you expect them to. That’s both the joy and frustration in life. I’m finding that as I get older I don’t mind though. It’s the surprises that tickle me the most, the things you don’t see coming” - Michael Stuhlbarg
Today we found joy in a band-aid and that was awesome.
Love you, baby girl.
Mom
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