Dear Addie,
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t spend a lot of time worrying and stressing about the unknown. It keeps me awake at night, a weight on my chest and tears in my eyes. You cannot escape it, and pretending it doesn't exist can feel irresponsible as an autism parent. I’ve heard many people say that life is not a race, but for some of us, it really is. We have to have everything organized and planned before we reach the finish line and if were lucky well before that. It's a lot and thats the truth.
Sometimes I find myself losing track of my thoughts and spiraling into what life might have been like if you had been neurotypical. Would you have had a special hobby like Clara and Gabe? Would you be excited about starting driver's training in a year and discussing what kind of car you want? Would you still like blowing bubbles as much as you do? I often wonder what our conversations would be like.
I dislike finding myself in this mindset, but the "what ifs" seem to come with the territory. It's like the old saying: the grass is always greener on the other side. Ironically, we live in a place with no grass at all—just woods—so there's no need for fertilizing or mowing. By process of elimination, the grass is greener on the other side, but that doesn't mean it's easier. But I digress.
Addie, there are days when I feel like I have everything under control, and other days when it feels like I'm poorly herding cats. No matter what each day or this life brings us, I will always want nothing more than for all of my children to find and experience joy in their own unique way on their own unique journey. To witness that...It's everything.
I love you more than you know.
Mom
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