Dear Addie,
You’re Invited.
Two words loaded with such joy and yet a depth of anxiety. An opportunity of the inclusion we long for on this journey, but the reality of the exhaustion and countless “what if’s” at all that could go wrong. Two simple words that hold so much weight. Weird right?! Addie if I’m being honest there are SO many things in life, I never would have imagined the I would put so much thought into, but here I am killing it at over thinking just about everything including these two words.
Allow me to explain...
I remember when we found out we were expecting your big sister Clara. There was a lot of excitement and nervousness as we didn’t have a clue what actual parenting was going to be like - so we started to plan. We picked out a name, created a nursery and were lucky enough to have a beautiful baby shower and got to register for things, we “thought” we might need. Among that registry was the infamous diaper bag. A staple fixture in leaving the house with a young child. A bag that is basically a human’s first piece of luggage that they rely on another sleep deprived human to pack inevitably forgetting something of importance in it like actual diapers - been there, done that.
Fast forward to today. I never expected to still be relying on a diaper bag – the supersized, 3-piece luggage type… it’s more like a set of backpacks and coolers full of stuff you may or may not need every time we leave the house. Perhaps having moved 11 times has prepared us for this type of packing, but then again that’s only one part of leaving the house.
You’re Invited.
STEP 1 - pack your bags! I know what you’re thinking, what if I don’t need bags? You always need bags Ad. All good though!
You’re Invited.
STEP 2 - is where we’ve been invited “Addie proof?” Likely not. Now that I think about it, very few places on earth are! How much does our host like their knick knacks or family photos – ‘cause they ‘bout to be tussled! Is everyone going to need a fork because that’s a lot of a-like objects that probably need to be collected and lined up? Do they have enough back up toilet paper? A plunger? Would they be ok with a whole roll finding its way in the toilet? How much do they eat eggs? Could they manage some missing or being smashed on the counter (seriously Ad, what is with you and eggs?)? Is their home Joanna Gaines farmhouse chic? Because rusty farm equipment and white ship lap walls might not be up to the Addie challenge! Total side note: I’d love to see an episode of a home reno show actually do something with a severely autistic child or adult in mind. But I digress.
You’re Invited.
STEP 3 – snacks. Like, lots of snacks. Ok, if we’ve made it this far and packed enough baggage for a weeklong trip to accommodate 3 hours, and sorted out the scene, just like back in our diaper bag days we’re gonna need snacks and not like formula and the little dissolvable puffy stars kind - we’ve upped our game a bit. A full box of cereal, pound of carrots, handful of apples, bag of oranges - we will legit show up looking like we’ve done their grocery shopping. I’m not even kidding; in our earlier years we’d bring a gallon of milk.
You’re Invited.
STEP 4 – cold feet. With the weight of our bags ready to go, now comes the ugly truth - should we really do this? The worry can be not only exhausting but paralyzing.
Addie most of the time if our family gets an invite somewhere - family wedding, neighborhood gathering, birthday party, the organizer is often inviting us with the best of love and intentions, but more than likely will also be other people there who have never met us, or know our journey. For example, they might not understand why they have no utensils to use but you somehow have 8 sets in front of you, using none of them all while sucking on lemon wedges or devouring an onion like it’s a juicy apple. Or why someone who looks capable of using the toilet just came up to me asking for a diaper change in words they didn’t understand.
I also always think about the work of everyone in our dream team (dad, me, Clara and Gabe) taking turns keeping one eye on you. Believe me, we’ve tried the version of trusting you alone for a few minutes...one time you were found holding the host family’s pet parakeet on their back porch, and another time you were splashing around in a top loading washing machine - thank God no animals or children were harmed in either incident. We were lucky, but it’s always here in STEP 4 where my anxiety can become all too consuming and the “we’ll see” becomes a “we’re not gonna be able to make it” response.
All this brings me to present day. We were invited to a neighborhood clambake and against every instinct in my body to say “we’ll see” and inevitably know where that leads… this time we said “yes.” It was as if I didn’t even know who I was anymore! What was I doing?!?! But all joking aside, this somehow felt different.
You see Addie I’ve spent the last few years getting to know some of the most amazing people right under our noses (in a socially distant and safe manner, usually masked up in someone’s driveway for an adult beverage.) We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve shared our joys & struggles and no matter what stories I brought to the table in our crazy life, they kept inviting me back. Actually, not just me - us. Because on this journey we are a package deal - One Team, One Dream.
You see Addie, somehow in a journey that none of them are on personally - they just get it. Not a single ounce of judgement between us. Because in one way or another all of our lives were sticky and messy and complicated and there’s something deeply connecting in realistic people like this crew. Can we call them our squad? Clara surely would! They embrace our complete chaos without question, but like they’ve known us for 20 years.
We said “yes” Ad and showed up looking like we were staying for a week and brought groceries to boot. We all took turns keeping an eye on you, as you discovered new toys and tried to play with new friends - which honestly just looks a lot like you doing your own thing next to them, but you were interacting the way you knew how. And you know what, for the first time in a really long time we went somewhere as a family and felt relaxed among friends, met new friends and genuinely had a good time.
Was it perfect? Nope. Did I expect it to be? Nope, and in your own Cinderella fashion the clock struck 7:30pm and you started to meltdown (over the need to use a baby swing on a swing set next door of all things. A swing that’s weight limit is surely far less than your 130lbs). All good though, that was our cue to head on home. But you know what Addie, no one looked at you like an exhibit, everyone literally just went on with life as if it was a day in their life.
Addie, we said “yes” and were embraced by a fantastic group of people, new friends and old that without question welcomed our perfectly imperfect family with open arms.
On a journey that can often feel misunderstood and lonely, it felt really good to just belong without explanation and to feel like we were in such an accepting place where we could just say “yes” and you be you.
There’s no doubt in my mind that our journey brought us right to this loving squad. A crew where you have an invite anytime. My heart is full.
Love,
Mom
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