Dear Addie,
This week you needed more.
Ask anyone who is parenting multiple children and they’ll tell you it’s kind of like “which child needs me the most now!?” at any given moment. Who needs more? Don’t get me wrong the love is never ending and over flowing for all always, but someone might need more of our attention for a variety of reasons. In special needs families this is a dynamic that simply can’t be escaped.
This week it was you. If I’m being honest, the last few months it’s been you. You needed more. But we all graciously accept that because life for you has been just really hard lately and we love you and understand that you needed a little extra of whatever we had to give right now. It’s one team one dream so when someone is struggling, we all feel it and we all want to help. But this weekend my mama heart (and daddy too) kinda took a hit in all this. It was big brother Gabe’s spring showcase he had been working so hard for and it was his turn for more, but you needed it.
Classes, rehearsals, muscle aches and fabric burn - this was his moment. His performance day. The day that made it all worthwhile, the day he dreamed of seeing all his family out there supporting him in his endeavors! Mom, dad, both sisters...and even Aunt Marian was in town to watch, but you needed me more.
We had a plan! But I can tell you where that went - out the window Ad.
We had a sitter lined up, a great sitter, one that knew you very well, but with some challenges the day before at school we decided seeing us all leave would cause you great anxiety only adding to the struggles you were already dealing with and the backlash could present an unpredictable (and potentially unsafe) situation for you and the sitter, so we went to plan B.
You were coming with us, kind of - plan B.
You were coming with us, but not to sit in the audience - we just aren’t there yet, although I have faith we will get there. We WILL get there Ad – I just know it. But you see Addie these performers were going to be very high up in the air, artistically performing with only fabric strategically wrapped around them - I’m sure there’s a better way to describe it but it’s called aerial. Really Cirque Du Soleil-ish stuff. Super cool and sounds fun right?! Only issue here is your auditory sensitivity is in overdrive these days and even with noise canceling headphones, music can be your nemesis. There are just certain pitches you absolutely cannot handle and a screech or scream displaying your displeasure with an aerialist that high up on the air, wasn’t exactly a hand I wanted to play here. So, since I was lucky enough to have caught a glimpse of the dress rehearsal, we decided you and I would wait in the van with toys and snacks. We would get there early to grab a parking spot next to the venue so I might jump out to watch Gabe from the sidelines. Not ideal but at least we could all be there in some fashion.
Not gonna lie, it sucked. Not Gabe that is, but I saw more cars than Gabe’s performance. Lucky for us daddy recorded it from his view for me to watch and I can tell you, he really did do amazing. I was equal parts so proud and so sad that this was our reality right now. Sad for all of us. I just know you’ll love watching all this one day when you’re ready Addie. But staying true to our unpredictableness in this journey I couldn’t sit and dwell in sadness for long. Unbeknownst to me you were sneaking waters from an opened case of bottled water in the back of the van and after 4 bottles, gagged and vomited everywhere making for an unexpected exit from our parking lot show.
As a parent these are the moments when our heart breaks (and not because of the vomit) because you are faced with a harsh reality that you can’t do it all. That sometimes you actually have to make a choice. That life doesn’t always happen picture perfect. As much as I was struggling with wanting to be there for Gabe in the fashion I thought he deserved, daddy was also struggling knowing you needed extra right now and he wanted to be there for you. The divide and conquer of giving that infamous “more” is really a hard reality to grasp as parents sometimes.
We may not have been in the front row for Gabe when he deserved more, but I was able to wait in the wings (or the side parking lot for that matter) with my proud mama heart beating strong and he knew we were there even if he couldn’t see us.
Addie, you won’t always need the more in this family and there may come a time when someone else might need it more than you, but always know if you don’t see us in the front row, we may not be far but just waiting in the wings.
Love,
Mom
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