Dear Addie,
This week I saw great growth (which can always go hand in hand with a fair share of challenges) in your behavior. You completed assignments independently, requested breaks if needed before escalating to yelling, shared a toy with a friend (that was HUGE), and even let another friend read you a story in the library, but with all this good I still found myself saying "I’m sorry" for something.
I’m sorry. Words every autistic parent utters at one time or another for behavior seemingly being presented by their child outside of the norm.
I’m sorry - because the guilt is heavy that we should’ve been able to teach our children to do better.
I’m sorry - because it’s too much for me to explain communication, sensory stimulation, impulse control, and emotion are so hard to navigate when your brain is wired differently.
I’m sorry - because judgment is, unfortunately, easier than compassion for some people.
This week I said "I’m sorry" to two different staff members that you yelled at during school. They both were quick to tell me an apology wasn’t necessary because you are learning to communicate and trust them. One was asking you to pick two colors of paper for a project and you responded by yelling. I promise you your teacher didn’t even flinch (seriously she's the best of the best and that's not just my opinion but the opinion of many.) With no response from her, you yelled once more before finally picking two colored pieces of paper where she was quick to happily commend your choice as you return back to your seat. I saw defiance, she saw communication & progress. You see Addie there were a lot of colors on the table to pick from you tend to want one of each color when it comes to crayons (an OCD response) so perhaps there was pressure to limit your choices, perhaps you were bored and didn’t want to do this or perhaps you wanted to say more but couldn’t find your words. I’m not sure what it was but you were trying to communicate and she saw that, whereas I saw the need to apologize.
The next was another staff member that said you could use the playdoh but we could not throw it. With limitation in your play, you responded by yelling at her and then promptly proceeded to lay down next to her making sure you were still close enough to touch her leg - like you were mad but understood. She saw communication I again saw the need to apologize. For the record every day after that you’ve asked to go to Ms. Penny's room for a break or sensory play.
Later in the week, we were learning about different Chinese instruments and your teacher asked you if you knew what instrument was in the picture. You looked up, paused for a minute then said “a ba-lan-jo” your version of a banjo. While that’s not the actual name of what was pictured it did, in fact, look like a banjo and the question was what you thought it was so you weren’t technically wrong and it got me thinking about my apologies and communication.
Addie whether it’s communication or a "ba-lan-jo" not everything is always what it seems so let’s just take a breath, not be quick to judge and do the best we can each day. We aren’t perfect nor is anyone else, so let’s keep that in mind and continue to learn & lead with compassion, and what better place to do that than school right!? We know you are working very hard every day and we are all so proud of you!
I'm forever grateful that our journey brought us to a place where you are loved by so many Addie and that makes my heart so happy.
...and for the record whatever that instrument actually was, I will forever call a ba-lan-jo ;)
Love,
Mom
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