Dear Addie,
This week I was reminded of the very real emotional roller coaster we are on. The fact is mommy and daddy are seriously exhausted most of the time - I honestly don’t know at this point how much sleep it would take to get caught up either - 1 week? 2 months? Maybe the rest of 2020? As if trying to maintain life with an unusual amount of exhaustion wasn’t challenging enough, let’s add in some self doubt. Having raised two neurotypical kids before this journey even began, leaves us constantly second guessing ourselves on just about everything. Now don’t get me wrong, we are blessed and have an amazing support system and they are forever encouraging us with their time and kind words. “You’re so strong!” “I don’t know how you do it!”
While this is so nice to hear and I know it comes from a place of love from those delivering it, the reality is quite frankly I don’t really know how we do it either! Strong isn't even close to how I feel most days. In fact this week I felt like one of those delicate English teacups teetering in unsteady hands.
This week I cracked.
I keep telling myself I’m human and it happens to everyone, but it sucks. It had nothing to do with a virus, masks, politics or virtual schooling - this was just the nature of the beast in living this journey and sometimes it all just comes crashing down. Seriously all we were trying to do was eat dinner. That’s it. Eat a meal. Within 3 minutes my eyes started filling with tears while I tried everything to not look weak and fall apart in front of any of you. What caused all this you might ask? Well we said “no” to you about putting on a bathing suit at 8 o'clock at night. Insert an epic tantrum and a half naked version of you in the kitchen completely losing it. A tantrum. A tantrum got the best of me tonight.
I’m not sure if any other couples do this, but there’s a silent tag team that happens when managing life around here. From your diaper changes, showers, middle of the night wandering sessions, heck even letting the dogs out. Without saying a word you’re either first in action or on deck.
I watched dad jump in first and try to pick up all 100+ lbs. of you to, how do I put this, assist you in making your way to time out. Each time he thought he had you, you did the famous toddler death drop (a familiarity to all parents and if they say their perfect angels have never done this, they are lying) where you put your arms straight up releasing your whole body back down to being a pile of sweaty, angry, drooling almost 10yr old on the floor. I’m not sure why you still battle with us and no one can say you don’t put the effort in, hey but just a heads up - we always win Ad.
As I walked into tag out dad his face looked numb at the chaos that was unfolding. Have we gotten to that point already? It left me to wonder just how many more tantrums or meltdowns will we have in your lifetime, because while we may over time be able to control the frequency, I don’t think they will ever go away. They will still just be lying in wait to rear themselves when we least expect it.
Still agitated but you seem to be starting to calm down or that was until I decided you needed a bath. I know why would I poke the bear? Well you were sweaty, sticky and already half naked so I had to seize my opportunity. After what probably resembled something a little like wrestling an alligator - you were finally clean and I, well I was soaked. You made your way upstairs to decompress, dad had to run to the store real fast, Clara and Gabe were completely unphased by any of this engulfed in a drawing challenge in their iPads and I was taking the wet towels up to the laundry room.
When I got to the laundry room I noticed the door was slightly cracked open - not a good sign from a usually locked door and clear evidence that you had a.) found a key b.) been in there.
I opened the door - disaster.
Dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes mixed with donation clothes and wet clothes that you pulled from the washer mid cycle and damp clothes from the dryer too. So many clothes. A simple reminder of being blessed to have all this, but exhausted mentally at the same time.
I sat on the floor and lost it. The tears started running and they just didn’t stop. I sifted through clothes trying to make sense of it all through my blurry tear soaked vision. On the other side of the wall your swing rhythmically knocking against the wall. In that laundry room, on that cold tile floor, my jeans uncomfortably wet from your bath I felt weak and completely out of control in my own life.
It took about 45 minutes to clean all of that up. I pulled myself together, wiped my face and went back downstairs to put my barely eaten dinner away. I wasn’t hungry anymore, just tired.
The next morning I was still a bit sad about the events from the previous evening and kept telling myself it was a new day. I grabbed my coffee and went to sit on the back porch - hoping for a few moments with just adult conversation and coffee. It was short lived as you came outside stood in front of me and started in with your daily guessing game. “I want...”
You only give us the “I want..” then we have to guess the rest. Being first thing in the morning I thought you were hungry. Crackers, cereal, tacos (you love tacos) - Addie what do you want!?
I was already frustrated and literally only had a sip of coffee and then you answered, “homework please.”
Seriously? Homework Addie, you wanted to do school work, on a Sunday. Of all things - Homework. In a matter of about 12 hours I went from exhausted, angry, frustrated, sad, annoyed, and now heavy with guilt for feeling any of those things, to proud.
This journey is without question the craziest emotional roller coaster ever - for all of us.
I’m sorry I get down and frustrated at our reality sometimes, I know you are trying, we all are. With all my tears, exhaustion, frustration, my love for you is worth all of it. Every single moment.
Here's the deal baby girl, I keep telling myself It’s OK to crack sometimes. I guess somehow telling myself that (repeatedly) makes me feel a pinch better about my own personal meltdowns. There is no hiding that it legit sucks every single time it happens, but in my heart I want to believe every parent (or person) cracks at some point, nobody is perfect, nobody Addie. Life can get the best of all of us and this week it just happened to be a bathing suit tantrum for me. It's pretty safe to say I didn't see that coming, but thanks for keeping life interesting ;)
I love you.
Mom
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