Dear Addie,
And then it was over. Poof. The year we thought would never end... has. A year so full of loss - both physical and emotional, but yet one with tremendous growth and development for you as well. The year that stood still, but somehow we kept going.
And then it was over.
This time of year is historically so full of joy for me with so many birthdays of my absolute favorite people (you and big sister Clara included) and let us not forget the most important birthday of all... the true reason for the season. It’s all so magical and joyous, but out of nowhere in one fell swoop it’s over and I feel postpartum to it all. The impending New Year seems to somehow hold a mental report card of the how the year had gone and leaves me feeling somewhat like, dare I say... like I could’ve done better? Yes even with a global pandemic. Is that weird?! Ugh, maybe.
It’s true Ad, this time of year I often find myself quietly reflecting, usually mentally checking boxes of our ever-so-structured life while multitasking (folding laundry or washing your hair) on the past year. What was my purpose to this living I’ve done? That we’ve done? It’s a grand question my dear, with no answer. It’s true. When life throws us challenges, doubt sets in and the deep questions begin. Purpose. Now there’s no denying this journey has throw us a fair share of challenges my dear, but always remember whatever doubt I harvest with this purposeness (I totally made that word up) with life is with me and has in no way to do with you or the love I have for you. Period.
This is a question I’ve asked for years, as I’m sure many others have too, because honestly life is always full of challenges. But the question of purpose that our self-inflicted doubt brings almost always goes unanswered. A question that seems so intimate to ourselves, yet it goes without reply.
That is until this week.
You see Addie we sat down this week to watch a family movie and being an animated film I felt confident I was about to multitask my way through it. Well that’s what I thought anyway, but life has a funny way of working out and what I didn’t know was that I was about to get a life lesson from an animated story (albeit one with exceptional “rendering” or at least that’s what our resident animator Clara said...)
Insert Pixar’s “Soul.”
A movie about a man who had unexpectedly passed away when it was finally his time to shine in life - his big break was finally here! Well, his soul couldn’t accept that it was all over before his life had finally come together, so he was trying everything he could to get back to his body to continue what he thought was finally living his purpose. ***Spoiler alert, in the end he realizes there’s so much more to life. Maybe he was going about it the wrong way, and his “purpose” wasn’t what he should‘ve been obsessing over after all.
It was deep Ad and yes in full disclosure I cried. Twice.
I can honestly say that I get wrapped up and lost in finding my purpose while “checking the boxes” and sometimes truly living life gets brushed aside. I always thought I understood living in the moment, but maybe I didn’t.
Was I, were we, really living, or going through the motions? Checking boxes, constantly searching for something bigger?
With my endless search for my answer of purpose I have realized through an animated film that searching for what life is all about isn’t what I should be doing, but rather being present in the moment, and really living is what life is about!
Seriously Addie I can’t tell you how many times I heard people preach to live your life, but yes it took a cartoon to really speak to me and listen.
Yep, just admitted that...ok moving on.
If there’s anything this past year has taught me was that we are in no way promised tomorrow, so getting caught up in unanswered questions is a complete waste of valuable time and energy. Enjoying who and what’s in front of us is where our importance should lie.
Addie as silly as it might sound this simple movie has shaped my expectations for the upcoming year and pulled me from my end of year postpartum. This next chapter I’ve vowed to stop trying to find answers, I will continue to help others, spread love not hate, and really live. And no not just enjoying moments in the checking of boxes of our day to day, but really live. Taking in every smile, blink, breath, touch, laugh.
When I watch you go about your day, one thing is certain - simplicity is of great joy to you. The air on your face while swinging, toes in the sand, mud on your hands.
Somewhere in our lives as we grew older we decide we need more and more to keep us satisfied. We add pressure to ourselves almost daily. This past year we were presented with something that forced us all to step back. Well Addie, in taking those steps back I discovered what was important in life. While we have grieved a tremendous amount, we also in turn rediscovered living. The true joys that come with a simple life.
Addie I have no idea what 2021 will look like or what new unknowns await us, Lord help us, but I for one plan on taking the lessons of this past year to heart and will be doing less searching and more living.
I love you Addie.
Here’s to 2021.
Love,
Mom
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