Dear Addie,
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever not be tired.
Nobody can prepare you for just how exhausting adulting, parenthood (or life for that matter) can be. There are plenty of days where I wish naptime and perhaps even a solid “timeout” was a legit thing for those of us over the age of 4.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say our life feels a little bit like a weird science experience - seeing just how little sleep in a overly complicated life does one need to actually function properly?
I'm tired.
Sleep more, eat better, exercise, drink this, use that - I get it, the advice is all over the place, but honestly this journey is it’s own level of exhaustion.
But Addie, just because I’m tired, certainly doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I adore our family and my life, but it’s OK to admit it’s all a wee bit exhausting. Somehow I think society frowns upon people ever admitting such - especially for special needs parents. As if we are somehow saying we don’t appreciate and love the blessings we have. We do, we really do.
You see Ad, when you first have babies, you realize very quickly how well you can actually function half asleep. Ask any parent if they've changed a diaper in the middle of the night (and how shockingly well it was done while barely awake) - it’s crazy.
Special needs parenting is basically that concept, but for years and years and years. Perfecting the art of doing a lot with an inadequate amount of sleep.
Every night I have a master plan and it’s always intended to get me in bed earlier. But at the end of the day I can't just fall asleep because my mind is racing from things I didn't get done during the day or things I have to do tomorrow. A flurry of questions (that mean nothing in the moment) swirl around in my head - ”when was the last time I had an oil change?”, ”Do we have dog food?”, ”Where did I put the new pack of diapers?”, or ”Why are all the “c’s” in “Pacific Ocean” pronounced differently?”
Some people find calm in reading. For me it's a Date Line murder mystery... to each there own. Once my murder mystery has eased me into a much needed slumber, it wouldn’t be out of the norm for a dog to need to go outside, or you to come crawling into our bed soaking wet - we all know what that means.
Someone’s changing sheets at 3am. Whoop. Whoop.
This week I woke up as I normally do and walked Straight into a wall. Rude awakening right?!?! Well I kinda tripped and fell into the wall, but funny enough it almost didn’t phase me and I just went about my morning routine.
Exhausted, face planted the wall, and yet I was still able to get four people out the door in less than an hour. I know what you’re thinking - mommy has super powers! Wrong. It’s actually this thing called muscle memory.
You see Ad, I have grown so accustomed to moving through this morning routine that I actually don’t have to give it much thought, or even be terribly awake for that matter! My muscle memory kicks in, thank goodness, and it’s virtually effortless. Waking everyone up, packing lunches, making breakfast - it’s all second nature to me.
Muscle memory is unique in it only works when we have done something over and over again becoming an unconscious process over time. Crawling, walking, brushing your teeth - these are all what most would see as daily functions that need no explanation, and are just simply done.
On this morning, I watched you stand with your toothbrush, deep in focus almost psyching yourself up to partake in this seemingly simple task. There was so much to process for you here. The sound, the feeling, the taste, the grasp and movement. I think of none of this. I mean how many people would think about the sound of brushing their teeth? I can answer that, not many. The sound internally is intense and radiates through your body causing a feeling that you’d do anything not to actually feel. Seriously if gumming you’re food was an option, you’d be all in. Bye bye teeth! Or “Bobabye” as you say these days.
As I watched you there for a few minutes I realized that some of your muscle memory hasn’t yet taken over because it has to battle some of your sensory and auditory processing fears. This is true for a lot of things you do.
In this world even the simplest of tasks, is really hard for people with autism.
Eventually the toothbrush made its way to your mouth and I stepped in to give some assistance. Eventually we got it done, but not without resistance, and your eyes squinting at every stroke, pulling away the best you could. This sucks for you, but you know what you’re doing, and I hope one day it will be less of an internal battle.
You know what Addie? You use to run away at the sight of a toothbrush, and look at you now, holding it and letting me use it on you.
You have come SO far and I know one day you too will be able to do this half asleep like I do. Just maybe leave out the walking into the wall part.
Your making progress everyday baby girl.
I love you.
Mom
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