Dear Addie,
Everything was going so well and then after a seemingly normal moment, it wasn't. Autism intervened and changed the trajectory of the whole day. A dose of our reality and the whiplash of this journey were on full display for our entire town to see. Autism, a life on stage.
I often hear people say, "I don't know how you do it," or "You are so strong and patient," or "I could never do what you do." While these comments are meant in good faith, I honestly didn't know I had a choice to live any other way. In truth, my strength and patience are often accompanied by tears and guilt for the struggles YOU endure. For the envy I possess of wanting an uneventful family outing or for something that resembles calm.
Allow me to explain.
Clara was home from college to celebrate my birthday and take family photos. We were all together - one team, one dream. Life was good; you had just come off a great week of school, and all my babies were together, my world felt like perfection. In true Menzo fashion, we had a bit of a divide and conquer day. Gabe and I had to go to a rehearsal, so Daddy, you, and Clara all headed downtown to walk around the park, waiting for us to finish, where we would then meet up for dinner.
While waiting Daddy did the unthinkable - he sneezed. I mean can you even believe it?! Now all joking aside this is a major auditory assault for you. It's an often unexpected, startling sound that enacts a fight or flight response from you, but on this day you fought hard to bottle it in, until you just couldn't. When Gabe and I had finally arrived Clara was sitting alone at a table at our favorite downtown pub and daddy was outside with you trying every trick in the book to calm you down. We moved tables to sit outside thinking a little air and space would give you what you needed, but it had escalated to a point that we knew you needed to leave the situation. A divide and conquer sponsored by autism was in play, as Daddy and I walked you back to my car, literally screaming the whole way so I could take you home while Daddy returned to eat with Gabe and Clara. It sucked.
When we got home you had reached a tipping point and were now in need of rescue meds and a hot shower to find your balance again - a level of parenting I never thought I'd take part in. Side note: No parent should have to watch their child lay on the shower floor to calm themselves down, it's literally heartbreaking and we don't force this, you do it on your own to self-regulate. These are the moments that I just can't come to terms with on this journey. You did your best to hold it together, but sometimes it's just too much. The parental guilt is so heavy for both Dad and me when we just can't make it better for you. When we see you struggle with something so mundane for most.
After a while calm started to wash over you. Exhausted and looking every ounce of defeated by your emotions you sat on the couch with a bottle of water. It was over. I looked at my phone and noticed a few missed messages. My eyes filled with tears, they were from Clara, Gabe, and Daddy all independently asking how you were doing and what they could bring us home.
Addie, there are ZERO manuals on how to raise a family on this journey. It's a life of being predictably unpredictable and with all the training, knowledge, and experience we have, sometimes it's still not going to feel like enough, but what this family will always have is love, compassion, and empathy for one another. We are not just one team one dream on the good days but on the bad days too.
This weekend didn't go the way we thought it was going to, but there was a beautiful reminder of the love we have for one another and if there's anything I'd remember in all this, it's that.
Tomorrow is always a new day.
I love you.
Mom
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