All Dressed Up And Ready To Go

Dear Addie,

Well - that’s a wrap on what has got to be the strangest school year ever! While this certainly has been one for the history books, somehow I feel like we may have another interesting school year ahead, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet shall we?

With our 3rd grade chapter closed, it’s officially time for your summer vacation to begin, and lucky for us quarantine restrictions in our area are being lifted. That being said, and only under strict guidelines from our city and CDC, our favorite camp, Camp Bluebird, was cleared to open. Oh happy day!

Now my next question (having witnessed first hand the good and bad of online schooling), how would you react to a difference in your now new routine? I mean your teachers voice coming from a screen on my desk was odd and confusing at first, now therapists, camp directions and program assistants with masks on? It probably feels like a giant game of hide and seek! Where’s my teacher? Who’s behind the mask? Changes to your norm have always caused a fair amount of anxiety, but our choices are limited right now. Unfortunately there’s no rulebook for the ever redundant autism “exposure is key” advice during a pandemic.

So we do what we do best - say a prayer, hope It all goes well, stay prepared, and if it all falls apart - take a deep breath (maybe have a good cry) and try again tomorrow.

It’s no secret that home is where you find security & comfort, but like the saying goes “there is such a thing as having too much of a good thing” and you’ve been itching to get out and about. Your favorite thing to do these days is go for a ride in the “J E E P Jeep.” Nowhere in particular, just away from home. Funny how I thought during this pandemic we were going to catch up on our lease miles! Silly mommy what do I know!?

Day 1 of camp came and when you saw your backpack and lunchbox set out the tears started. You were totally unsure of what was going on. If I was a betting gal I'd say you were certainly thinking “Wait doesn’t my school live in the box on the desk now” complete confusion.

Now don’t get me wrong, you love your teachers and classmates, but the initial “back to school” anytime after summer or a holiday break is hard. There’s a lot of kids who also struggle with the noise, bright light and stimulation. It takes a bit to get used to again and for people with auditory or sensory struggles it can be quite exhausting. Like running a marathon of processing information coming at you. It can very much feel like an assault to your body & mind the first couple of days, but then after that you’re all grins and giggles.

Dressed and excited to leave the house, but anxious thinking it was school, your anxiety took over and you simply couldn’t register that I said you were going to “camp.” At this point the dog is now upset and barking from you being upset, and that is causing you auditory distress on top of being anxious. Dog barks, yelling follows with crying, this repeats for about a solid 10 minutes while I hunt down your headphones. Is everyone in the house awake yet? I should think so and where are those headphones?!?!?!

I’m sweating, your flushed, Ruby the trusty Coonhound just looks annoyed, and we haven’t even left the house yet! Dear Lord give me strength!

Headphones located, I placed them over your ears, you wiped your sweet little face trying to pull yourself together as you grabbed your backpack and headed to the van. Buckled in I repeated we were ready for camp, not school Addie. These words, still not registering with you, but now you just had an accepting the inevitable type of frown plastered on your face. So very sad to see.

On our way you watched out the window as we passed your school. I looked in the rear view mirror to see you stim and then look up at me, your eyes said it all - you knew the only other place you took your backpack to was camp and your mood immediately changed. Whoop whoop! Let’s goooo!!! Way fewer kids, structure, playing, popsicles - you were all in!

As we pulled up, you put your hand on your buckle just waiting for me to give the “all clear” to push the button, but the procedure was going to be a little different than previous camp adventures. Waiting patiently in our van we needed to answer questions and get our temperatures checked.

You saw Miss Abby - mask and all, and started feverishly stimming with excitement! You knew exactly who she was! With your temperature good to go, you shot out the car like Mentos in Coke with only a quick “bye“ before walking in like you owned the place. Pretty safe to say you not only missed this, but needed this!

This is when I finally felt like I could take a breath. You were happy, safe and in a very loving environment. The goal when any parent drops their kid off somewhere, but especially so when so much anxiety happens beforehand.

The structure, stimulation, routine this is what they do and what you love. A happy place for you.

I once had someone (another special needs parent) tell me that they couldn’t believe I sent you to therapy or camp as much as we did. Then proceeded to ask if didn’t I want to spend time with you? It took everything I had in me not to react. But after a deep breath, I felt it didn’t even deserve a drawn out response and just indicated it’s what works for us and more importantly what's best for you.

Here’s the thing Addie, nobody has children and says “Wow I can’t wait to need a village to raise them!” that just doesn’t happen. Or at least I‘ve never actually heard it, but when you start this journey there are a few things that do happen.

Most parents after getting their ticket for this journey run into denial which ultimately turns into grief for the journey you thought you were going to have. You then get over that, and think somehow you’re superhuman and you’ve got this and can do this all by yourself (with no sleep at that) all while others who have traveled this journey tell you otherwise. Not necessarily that they are doubting your abilities, but looking out for your wellbeing in a very loving and caring way.

You try your luck at being superhuman and might feel somewhat defeated with your parental intuition there (that seems to happen a lot but luckily we always pick up the pieces and keep moving.) Then one day, perhaps in one of your days of defeat, enters your village, and you realize you needed them all along. They were meant to be part of your journey. Therapists, teachers, camp counselors, babysitters (that seriously need American Ninja Warrior training just to watch you) other special needs parents even the friends that only have a special needs connections through you. All of them, they were meant to walk with us.

Day 2 you woke up at 5am, picked out let’s just say a “unique” outfit that I had to change because I thought pants were a better option for a cold rainy morning. Side note: seriously Ad, as if life wasn’t strange enough, the past couple of days have been cold and dreary like Mother Nature forgot summer comes next. WTH?! But I digress...

You followed behind me like Peter Pan’s shadow as I made my coffee then you proceeded to start grabbing snacks, and throwing them in your lunchbox. Addie this is the first time in the history of all the years packing lunches that you were so excited to go that you actually helped pack your lunch. Pretty sure if you could’ve you would have said “mom let’s go! Get your a$$ in gear woman!” You get the point. I clearly wasn’t moving fast enough, but we also were not leaving for quite sometime so then there was that...

Insert the teetering on the edge of meltdown mode because we couldn’t get there almost two hours early. Ah yes, the predictably unpredictable mood we all know, expect and love. Luckily we just barely dodged the meltdown on this morning.

Addie I can’t tell you how happy it makes me, that you love camp so much. It’s even sweeter knowing how much everyone there loves you - like their own. The meltdowns the past few weeks have been heart wrenching, exhausting and probably a thousand other descriptive words that would indicate absolutely no fun. Your favorite camp was exactly the mood booster we needed - our village.

Everyday I’ve picked you up you’ve come out with nothing but big smiles, almost as if your showing me how well you did on your own without daddy, Clara, Gabe or I. All kids crave independence Addie and I’d like to think this is your version of it. Made possible by our beloved Camp Bluebird family.