Corduroy

Dear Addie,

This week (Wednesday to be exact) I walked into your toy room to tidy things up. The scene is like Groundhogs Day to me with books scattered in one area, toys in another. Makes no sense to myself but in all this chaos you somehow find peace and order here. You'll get all the books out and one by one make sure to turn each page in every book. No easy task if I might add. Some might ask me, “Why do you even bother to clean up such a mess?” Well, to that I say - I might be a little bit crazy (guilty!) and it’s a healthy dose of a monkey see monkey do game with a whole lot of patience for me...I think. You’ll eventually do it yourself - or maybe I choose to believe that to keep my sanity? Hmmmmm...

In our little autism world, I often find myself standing over such scenes analyzing the placement of everything. Why did you put that there? Why were they sorted that way? Perhaps it's my excessive need to get a glimpse into life as you see it. Your play is always so full of purpose Addie and is actually really fascinating to me.

On this day I noticed three alike Corduroy Bear books and a stuffed puppy toy separated from the rest. It instantly made me smile. Those books came from your late Great-Grandma Clara (aka Grandma Allar) and this was right about the time of year that we would’ve surely been receiving yet another Corduroy book, but sadly that wouldn't be happening this year.

You see Addie ever since your big sister Clara was a baby like clockwork before Halloween we would get a package from her in the mail. It was always filled with fall and Halloween goodies & gifts. In the last couple of years, we’d share a little giggle that the packages always seem to have the same things in them, but giggles aside we were always beyond grateful at the thought and gesture of it all. It was only at this moment, this Wednesday afternoon that I realize she probably subconsciously knew you better than we all thought.

Addie as you know, autism (or at least for you) comes with a distinct need for order in certain aspects of your life. With your excessive need to collect like objects, maybe she was on to something? I mean it doesn’t get more alike than the exact same things right?! Maybe this wasn’t a little memory blip of hers after all but just her adding a new addition to your sameness collection ;) Maybe? Or maybe not, but however the package was intended it did make you quite happy to have the predictability and similar things to sort out.

Ironically before seeing those books like that I had been thinking of her a lot the past few days. Just this weekend we did quite a bit of fall yard clean up and gardening. Daddy and I found ourselves mentioning something she would’ve loved and smiling about it on more than one occasion that day being she had been a passionate gardener herself.

But what you didn’t know my dear is that on this day, that Wednesday afternoon, when I found those books separate from the rest, it was actually her birthday - she would’ve been 88 years old. Just a few years older than you ;) What you also didn’t know was that day when I made her Mac n' cheese recipe for lunch (which I do almost daily - no joke!) I thought it was by far the best I’d ever made to date. Coincidence? Maybe. Did I smile - most definitely.

Addie, while we are sad we won’t be getting any more packages from her, she has certainly left us so much to smile about. An important life lesson - to live a life that when people think of you it leaves them smiling.

Baby girl, you make us smile every single day, even on our days where autism seems to have gotten the best of us. Look at you! You seem to be mastering that life lesson already ;)

I love you so very much Ad. Enjoy your books! I'm sure grandma is all smiles above watching you play with them.

Love,

Mom