Dear Addie,
This week I spiraled. I wouldn't say I like it when this happens, but I've also been traveling this journey long enough now to realize it feels somehow therapeutic and necessary to stay honest with yourself, whatever that may look like. This week absolutely nothing changed, but the autism life, the constant of it all, got me.
Now before I dive into deep waters here I think it important to say I love you & being a mom the whole world full, never forget that - there are just aspects of this parenting life I did not expect and quite frankly it leaves me exhausted, drained and questioning an awful lot at the end of the day. My questions have changed over time from "why's" to "what's" The why's no longer serve purpose to our everyday and honestly everyone has their own opinion. I can't change where we are now, but I can ask "what happens next?" or "what do we do now?" There was no question growing up that I always wanted to be a mom the reality of what it is today is something that never fell on my radar. Autism wasn't in the vision.
School starts next week and we have nothing but time together now. Time I wouldn't trade for the world, but does it make me a bad person for wanting more? Wanting to have a meaningful conversation at lunch with one another. Maybe back to school clothes shopping with an opinion of what you like and don't like or end of summer sleepovers with friends. Is it too much to ask for? I'd give anything to know exactly what you are thinking or feeling at any given moment good or bad, in your words. I'm not naiive and do understand that even raising neurotypical children has it's moments to, but sometimes it just all gets to be a lot. No where in my vision of parenting did I think I would be seen as a caregiver as well and yet here we are.
I am trying so very hard to stay healthy and in shape to keep up with the demands this journey has presented me and I was recently asked about stresses in my life in an effort to find ways to reduce them. Real talk - As a special needs parent, particularly parenting a child on the severe end of the spectrum like yourself - one day I will not be here with you, you will more than likely still need significant daily care, and who's to takes care of you then? Having a child with minimal verbal communication skills leaves it very hard to trust people as it is. I would bet there's not a lot of people that think about these things with their thirteen year old or if they remembered to order diapers, but I digress. This is part of the reason we put so much hope into places like 3 Bluebiurds Farm because perhaps just one day you might call it home. I know your brother and sister will do what they need to do, but is this part of their vision? Is being a caregiver on their radar? It all gets very heavy quick. It's easy to say stop worrying about it all and just live life, but sometimes that just feels reckless.
This week I spiraled. An all too real reminder that I'm human and emotions are woven into who we are. I'm a broken record to so many preaching "it's ok to feel the feels!" but when it comes to myself it often feels shameful. I'm so very grateful and in love with this family we have, so much so that I guess I'm just greedy for wanting more.
Addie we might not be having deep meaningful conversations like I had hoped we would at this stage in the game, but I will have the cleanest car in NC because in addition to swinging, the carwash also brings you great joy, so wash the car is what we will do.
I'm forever blessed to be your mom and I know one day, whenever that may be, you'll tell me all the things.
Love,
Mom
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