Dear Addie,
It all started with a gift.
It’s said that the older you get, the more you realize material things don’t matter and an experience is what you will appreciate more. But do we, and at what physical and emotional cost? It was cold, rainy and your mood wasn’t exactly ready for cooperation, today we were supposed to take a cute front porch family picture with a local professional photographer.
This experience was gifted to us and honestly today all I wanted to do was tell the photographer to just forget it. “Forget it” a phrase I utter in my heart more times than I’d like to admit. As soon as things start steering towards falling apart, my heart starts racing and I want nothing more than to just retreat.
In our little autism world (if I’m being honest) this is something we’d probably never spend money on. We’ve been blessed with some photog friends who knew us well and were up for the challenge in the past, but a stranger getting a front-row seat to our chaos with the added pressure of trying to make us look good - yikes. It just sounded embarrassing and exhausting.
One would say, it’s just a picture how bad could it be?
Well, let’s rewind a bit.
When we started having kids there were many visions I had of traveling and adventures, photos of my barefoot babies running through a wildflower field, wearing white linen at sunset - weird vision right? But I own that weirdness.
Then you have kids and a little bit of reality sets in, kids will be kids, and news flash even among siblings they are all totally different people!
There isn’t a parent out there with a perfect child that never was lost it in public for one reason or another. If anyone tells you otherwise - they are lying. And while we are on it - the people that say their kid will never act that way, well parenting might just be a rude awakening for them. People tell me I’m overreacting in my emotions all the time when I see people shaking their disapproving heads or shooting a judgmental glare. But here’s the thing and I know I’m not overreacting because we’ve had both. When you have a neurotypical child having a meltdown people stare, when you have a special needs child struggling with a meltdown they stare and keep staring like we are an exhibit for their viewing pleasure. Isn’t it funny how we are all told as children not to stare and we all grow up to be adults that gawk and stare like the best of them? But I digress.
There are so many things we’d love to experience as a family. For example...
The State Fair - yeah right! Sensory overload nightmare, strawberry picking - all the strawberries would be jam in the field when you’re done, beach family photos - might work if we were actually in the water...matching bathing suits anyone? Or maybe if we were into live-action shots of WWF wrestling in the sand! Vacation with friends - not everyone is good with “expect the unexpected,” or how about even family weddings - “she’s fine don’t worry” (meant with so much love mind you) but I’m pretty sure years to come the happy couple wouldn’t want to hear the squeal of you struggling with the acoustics of the church or screaming over someone pulling out a tissue in the middle of the ceremony.
The list is long and family photos with a stranger photographer are right up there on that list.
The funny thing is you are no stranger to photos. Bubbles & funny sounds use to be our saving grace in getting that infectious smile we know and love, but the jig is up for you. Smiling is done on your terms only. You’re an independent woman and that is that!
Today, I wanted to say forget it.
The photographer and I had been messaging back and forth about the rain that morning and maybe in my heart I was looking for a way out of this. She ever so kindly told me not to feel like we had to rush this, the gift was good for a year. In comes our next go-to feeling in the autism journey - It's now or never! Talk about a yin yang way of life.
We had a year. That sounded really appealing and I’m sure some would think that would’ve sounded like the right play here too, tucking the experience away in their back pocket for another day. Now for us, a year carried the weight of having no way of knowing if it was going to happen for us any other day. Maybe the sour mood we got today would be sweeter than anything later?
With a deep breath, I replied if she didn’t mind being in the rain, we’d like to give it a shot. And with that, it was set. No turning back now.
We waited on the porch for her arrival.
She emerged from her car like a beam of radiating sunlight as she set up her step stool on the sidewalk (these were socially distance photos mind you.) You by this point were beyond pissed and crying, drooling and your body was stiff and rigid. Not exactly “say cheese” ready. With the cold rain spitting on her, she remained every ounce of professional and positive pointed to us where she’d like us to sit, having you, I, and daddy on the front steps with Clara and Gabe behind us. Never one to disappoint your independence, in true Addie fashion you had a different idea and with that, all 100+ pounds of you plopped down in my lap.
As we spent the next few minutes desperately trying to get you to look at the camera, she happily snapped away.
Before we knew it, it was done. She was pleased with what she had captured and had moved on to offering you a sweet treat from her car. I kid you not, this woman, was the epitome of positivity and didn’t even flinch when you a crabby Addie threw the cookie she had tried to give you back in the box - today was just not your day Ad. She then went on to thank us, can you believe that?! Thanked us for the opportunity to photograph this chaos. While she was so certain she had gotten something, I felt very different having had your angry self on my lap the whole time.
Within the hour she had messaged me a sneak peek from our session. As I opened the picture I teared up instantly. There we were. One Team, One Dream looking in my mind pretty darn good for what was going on. An experience I never would’ve attempted and to think I almost said forget it.
Addie life is crazy. Fact. It’s kinda like one of those moving walkways at the airport, you are physically moving so slow steadying your luggage but in reality, you’re whizzing along. Even though you were carefully moving at what seemed like a snail's pace you can hardly remember the stores or people that walk next to you - it’s all kind of a blur. That’s us. We are carefully moving through life, but before we know it 5, 10, 15 years have gone by, and no matter how hard we try the details will get blurry maybe even be lost.
I think it’s pretty common to say that one parent is often photographed more than most - not to anyone’s fault it just is. Ask daddy I’m that person that if I see a group of people trying to take a group photo and one isn’t in it because they are playing photographer - I’ll ask to take it for them because they need to be part of that memory.
Family photos are kinda like that. A snapshot of time to remember.
On our porch, on a cold rainy Sunday, was our chaos. Our unapologetic chaos.
Suzel, that amazing photographer, didn’t see our chaos. She saw a moment in time that we’d surely cherish forever.
As for the gift giver, our dear friend Kathryn...did she know I wouldn’t ever do this? Did she think we needed this? Life has thrown us some crazy curveballs this year and maybe she thought we needed documentation to say - hey we’re still standing. I may never really know, but I will be forever grateful for that precious gift of this experience.
And most certainly for the "now or never" outweighing my "forget it."
May we always have the faith to just take the picture baby.
Love,
Mom
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