Dear Addie,
With spring break having gone, well, horrible. It begged the question, how exactly was a holiday on the heels of that going to look with our family?
And then it was Easter.
An important holiday in our faith. Interestingly enough “our faith” was having me feeling as if I had whiplash in how much I had questioned and clung to it more than I’d like to admit the last two weeks. I had always known parenting could be hard at times, but this was something more than that. It was more like a game of survival and I couldn’t make sense of any of it. I prayed, I asked, I legit begged for peace. Surely that sounds desperate, but that’s the truth.
The rest of our OTOD had arrived back home the Saturday before on the tail end of yet another epic meltdown - and honestly, I don’t even remember what that meltdown was about now. At just the sight of them I felt every ounce of guilt as a wave of happiness & relief mixed with a healthy dose of exhaustion came over me.
You on the other hand were somewhat happy to see them (I’m sure) but still riding out the end of your recent anger episode, so you just scurried your way passed everyone into the house before retreating to your room for a while.
While your cold-shouldered welcome wasn’t ideal, we were at last all under the same roof again having had some distance that was necessary, it made being together again just that much sweeter even if you were a little sour.
Addie the last few weeks have taught me that no matter where we go on this journey, everything is just going to be more. I guess somewhere along the line I thought maybe that wasn’t going to be our truth, but it is. Like our life’s map was drawn with not pencil, crayon or markers, but using the brightest of highlighters rather. It’s just more.
Easter was upon us and like all parents, we try ever so hard to create lasting memories for our kids. Perhaps we try to outdo ourselves from the year before? Try to make every year “the best yet!” Weird right?! Parents are funny like that. There are a few things that are never lost on us in our chaos - you’re all getting older, you have some pretty severe sensory & auditory struggles, and there’s plenty of patience to go around...even if it feels like it’s hiding and lost sometimes ;).
A few days earlier I was sitting alone one night after you had gone to bed, our day having been less than desirable to say the least. I started thinking about Easter and just what we’re we going to do? How was this going to be memorable? I couldn’t stomach the memory being we had done nothing because you couldn’t deal. I knew there had to be a solution or compromise in this. We couldn’t just “not do” everything the rest of our life. With the blessing of virtual mass, there was less stress than the traditional Easter affairs of fancy Easter attire and the excessive need to keep you quiet in church and all the auditory struggles that go along with our presence there. But we wanted not just to have less stress but enjoyment. Enjoyment being together as a family. Was that too much to ask for?
With your mood unpredictable or perhaps predictably irritable as of late, I decided just maybe some happiness is contagious exposure might be what you need, or maybe what we all need? So, with that in mind I saw an ad for cuddling and feeding baby goats online and I knew two teenagers in this dream team who would positively swoon over such an event. You, well historically you haven’t been much of a fan of farm animals but maybe the exposure of seeing how happy Clara and Gabe would be would change your mood? Or you’d completely lose it and have to sit in the car with mommy or daddy? Honestly, at this point the gamble was worth it.
Like most outings it started with a phone call to get all the details and explain our family dynamic. As luck would have it, the only private event time they had for the "Baby Goat Zen Hour" was on Easter which meant the likelihood of it being crowded was slim – check! And it was a private event so it would be just our family – check! And it was outside – check! With an understanding of the potential chaos about to take on this farm they were happy to accommodate however they could and we happily signed up for goat cuddling on Easter evening. I mean nothing says Easter like goats, right?! I’m pretty sure they were in the section of the bible with the bunny hiding eggs 😉
But first Easter morning.
Now we don’t dye eggs in our family, Lord knows Daddy and I are the only ones that would eat them and hiding them would most certainly result in one surely getting lost and stinking up the house somehow. No thanks – we got enough going on.
We used to hide plastic eggs with candy in them, that was fun. But even that seemed far too easy after a while. Fast forward to the present… daddy and I have created an epic egg hunt that involves decoding and clues to find your hidden baskets. Now let’s keep in mind at this point we were still grasping at straws for the reasons of your recent behavior swing and a thought was perhaps you were struggling with wanting your independence? Maybe, maybe not. So, we decided to create you your own hunt with easier clues we thought you’d know to find your basket rather than Clara and Gabe doing it for you. Worth a shot, right?
Much to our surprise Easter morning you awoke in a significantly calmer mood (had my desperate prayers gifted us peace?) you even appeased us with your first ever solo (well, there was a little help from mommy and daddy) egg hunt! With this egg hunt success, it seriously got me thinking baby goats might go well after all! We totally got this!
*Excuse the messy house in the video*
As the day went on, I wouldn’t exactly say you were a quiet, delicate flower, but you were calmer than you had been in a few weeks so we were still ready to give baby goats a try.
Let’s do this! Part deux of epic Easter fun – off to the farm!
We arrived and it was just as cute as we’d imagined it to be. Clara was practically squealing with excitement and you were already trying to go off on your own to explore, but no outward displeasure just yet so all was good. We were ushered into a barn equipped with seating, snacks & bottles for the goats, and of course the obvious - goats. This is when we discovered a whole new coping skill you had -“statue.”
You sat down on the bench next to daddy, headphones on and looked every bit of uncomfortable in your stiff appearance. There was no screaming or crying and a baby goat even jumped into your lap and you did nothing. I was thinking to myself “wow - this is going shockingly well,” I could’ve sworn the shoe was about to drop when the cow in the stall next to us started mooing, but nope, your stiff statue like self, just started tight-lipped mooing back.
After about 40 minutes you had had just about enough of goats and started getting a little antsy and agitated, so daddy took you for a walk around the farm. You did fairly well only displaying a small meltdown about wanting to play with a pig’s toy ball in his pen. I mean the audacity of that pig having such a fun toy he couldn’t share with you. Seriously.
Two weeks of chaos and we were still able to make an enjoyable, memorable Easter for everyone.
This Easter we were surprisingly blessed with a MUCH-needed moment of calm and Clara & Gabe actually declared it the best day ever! Or perhaps they meant to say the Greatest Of All Time – get it 😉 (thank you, baby goats!)
Addie, I know you are still struggling a great deal and we promise to keep looking for answers and we WILL find them. I hope one day you will look back and remember this Easter years from now…even if it was only remembered as the Easter the pig wouldn’t share his ball.
All my love,
Mom
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