Dear Addie,
Parenting. It's an endless realm of joys and fears that nobody can prepare you for. Whether you are a biological parent, adoptive parent, or step-parent, it's all the same when your heart is caring and loving a child. You'll spend years figuring out what works and what doesn't to best prepare your children for what lies ahead, and yet, more times than not, I am pretty convinced that I honestly don't think I'm ever going to have it all figured out in time and that scares me. Not to sound dramatic, but "scare" might not even be the right word – it consumes me most days.
All families are unique, and ours is no different as we are parenting neurotypical children and a special needs child, so we get to see both sides of the coin on everything. While the end goal is the same for all of you to live a happy, meaningful, and productive life, going about that requires far more preparation for you. If I'm being completely transparent, it's a preparation that I wish involved me living forever.
A long time ago, when we first received your diagnosis, I remember knowing a girl at the time who had autism (high functioning) and thinking, this journey will have its challenges, but it's all going to be ok. Well, if you've met one person with autism, you've met just that, one person with autism, because we'd soon realize your diagnosis was very different, and most days devour me to where I have a hard time thinking it's going to be ok. I mean school, therapy, insurance – as soon as we figure it out, it all changes again. The continuous research. The opinions. The lack of sleep. The need to help you with what most would see as basic hygiene skills, It's a lot – and there's no end in sight. I don't say this for sympathy or pity but as just a reality check of what this looks like for those on this journey. We are fun, laugh, and love hard, but there's a darker side we can't wish away or ignore.
But with all the stress that comes with this, there are moments when the worry melts away.
This weekend Daddy took you to a festival. Yes, a festival, by himself – just the two of y'all. He sent me pictures, and every single one was of you with a big smile. No tears, no screaming, no laying on the ground refusing to proceed, just happiness. As if the pictures weren't impressive enough, he also sent a video of you saying clear as day, "Hi, Mom!" They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and if that's true, then that video was worth that of an encyclopedia! You see, Addie, you had just come off a tough week transitioning back to school, and articulating anything, let alone words, had been challenging. It reminded me that there was a time when we wondered if you would ever talk. When I only dreamed about what your voice would sound like, and here you were, "Hi, Mom!"
Addie, this journey is a delicate balance for parents of living in the moment, celebrating even the smallest of milestones with epic joy, and seeing & learning life all over again through a different lens. Those things are such a blessing, and I wouldn't trade them for the world; it's not all roses, and I will never pretend it is for any of us, but those things, those "Hi mom" moments fuel my determination when the worry gets the best of me, to know it's going to be ok.
I'm beyond proud of you, baby girl.
Love,
Mom
Comments