Dear Addie,
Parenting is a wild ride. It’s the only job in the world where you can have no experience or training and are tasked with keeping someone alive and raising them to be decent human beings.
No pressure.
Once you’re convinced you’ve got it all figured out with one child, another one comes along flipping the script, and then the one you thought you had figured out enters a new phase of life setting your confidence you once had into a downward spiral of doubt. Rewarding yes, but not without making your head spin for sure.
It’s the preteen and teenaged years that most parents struggle to communicate with their kids, as they are coming into their own suddenly with bold opinions on decisions and choices in their life story. That’s right, the story of your family suddenly has spin-off novels or sequels written by the little people we’ve made. No one truly prepares you for that. That’s a fact.
It can be hard for parents to accept, but this is what we want for them - to be free thinkers and to make good choices. And if their choices result in mishaps along the way, to able to learn from those mistakes. We rely on the hope that we've guided them the best we can in a positive direction. A phrase I say multiple times a week around here is “you can lead a horse to water…” and then your brother and sister lovingly (yet in a monotone voice) respond “…but you can’t make it drink!” Then Clara will continue to tell me all the additional things you probably can’t make a horse do, leading Gabe then to list off additional animals you probably can’t make do things, to then talking about if they could be any animal what would it be? Resulting in random animal facts given by both, while you’re now asking me to “make a tacos!” and I’m left wondering what led me to say the horse phrase to begin with?
Seriously, what were we talking about?” Oye, OTOD-ADHD is in full effect!
To say we are blessed is an understatement because we have yet to struggle with sassy teenagers, knock on wood! Understanding their jokes or phrases they say, now that can leave us to wonder, but we’ve successfully managed to keep a very open and safe place for our kids to communicate with us. A space that is open for you too, but with communication not being “your thing”, I’m often wondering if you need to talk through things too, but don’t know how? We make a lot of decisions for you in the present and future and it can get heavy. This week those decisions got the best of me.
This week was busy. I was already a little down from the endless background of being a special needs parent, it happens and sometimes it’s just an emotional mess of “am I doing this all right?!” From insurance (endlessly listening to hold music while being transferred to someone who might transfer you again…they should really look into playing Dateline podcasts or something… it would make waiting perhaps more bearable, but I digress), med-checks, scheduling doctor appointments. Is the iPad charged? Do we have all the right snacks? Did I move anything of significance while cleaning that may result in a meltdown?
There’s a constant checklist in my head and I’m always forgetting one thing or another. On this day everyone had something and I know every family experiences these days sometimes more than others, heck it might flat out be the norm for some, but I felt the mama guilt in a big way today. From picking up and dropping off to extracurricular activities, to helping with homework, to making dinner to a series of other responsibilities, I realized you and I had very little interaction since you had been home from school other than the basics: dinner, changing you and giving meds. There were no stories, tickles, or even much conversation, I was checking boxes of what you needed. You still happily bounced between your “spaces” in our house getting your sensory fill from each of those areas before finally sitting on our kitchen sofa. Side note: we got rid of our kitchen table a while ago and it replaced it with a sofa. It has become the social spot in our house, and we use our dining room all the time now, not just for special occasions, because quite honestly if the last couple of years in a global pandemic has taught us anything it’s that any family time together is special.
You sat on the sofa and looked every ounce of sad. A hard part about growing up is the forever-changing emotions we can experience when we least expect it. Something that is hard for neurotypical individuals to understand let alone trying to explain and have someone with autism comprehend is a whole other story. The tears started to roll down your cheeks and that’s when dad and I immediately sat down next to you comforting your mood and asking whatever questions we could, to figure out what brought on this sadness. With no obvious response to our interrogation on why you were feeling this way and a good look over to make sure you weren’t hurt, you crawled into my lap, something you refer to as “hold yous” your shortened version of me saying “Let me hold you” when you were little and needed comfort.
We sat there for a few minutes in just silence as I wiped your face. You seemed very tired like you had just had enough of the day and were ready for bed. I've been there a time or two myself sweet girl. The tears had slowly stopped flowing and I softly started counting from 10 to 1, something we do to reset the mood around here, and as I got to 1 your eyes lids had started to look heavy and you got up, making your way upstairs and off to bed. I followed behind a few minutes after and you were out like a light all snuggled in your bed.
Addie, I think as families we all get busy and might not give or get the amount of attention we might need in any given day, but at the end of the day, maybe even if we are just plain tired, which we suspect you were that night, it’s important to know we are always there for each other. You might not be able to communicate like your sister or brother with words but you know you can crawl into my lap, your safe space, and get comfort & support whenever you need it no matter how big you get.
Sometimes it’s not about the conversation, but just being there for someone as they work through the emotions of life coming at them – something that rings true at any stage of parenting special needs or not.
I’m sorry we were so busy this week, but while it’s never a pleasant sight to see you sad, I was happy you knew where to go and knew I was there to help you work through it no matter what.
I love you Ad.
Mom
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