Dear Addie,
While we may be on this journey together you, my dear, will always hold the most important part in all this as our leader in this exploration. Kind of backward thinking of parenting isn’t it? The child guiding the parents? But it’s true. We don’t know where we are going, we’ve literally never done this before, all we can do as your parents are to provide you tools to help you get to whatever it is you are going, but ultimately you’re leading your own way. I guess you could think of yourself as the great Magellan and the rest of us as your supportive crew mates.
As we set forth, the territory was and is still very unknown, and with no set map or compass to follow it can leave us all a little uneasy, to say the least.
Every time we leave the house our journey is on full display and there are often reminders of our differences. And sometimes those reminders rear themselves through the eyes of jealously. An emotion I surely wasn’t prepared for on this journey and there’s no escaping it in parenthood. It often comes out of nowhere and is based around the seemingly oddest of things in my case.
Ask any parent if they’ve ever been jealous of something or someone before and I could almost guarantee they would say yes. I like to think it just comes with the territory of being human. Emotions are a crazy thing Ad, which brings me to this week.
This week here in North Carolina even more families were tip-toeing to what we all hope will be the light at the end of the pandemic tunnel as more grades were welcomed to head back to in-person learning. Social media was flooded with smiling students anxiously awaiting their moments of inching back to normalcy. Parents were happily sharing photos of their precious babies headed off to the bus stop with friends. A sight you couldn’t help but smile at after a year away from anything but a computer screen for these kids. Now, remember how I said jealously strikes at the oddest of times? Well, it happened.
We were in carpool drop-off when I was killing time surfing through Facebook waiting for your teachers to come and get you. Looking at these pictures got me thinking, you have just one more year, and then you’ll be a middle schooler (gulp) much like these kids, and let’s be honest you weren’t even close to walking to a bus stop, alone, with friends. You were in the back seat happily stroking your touch and feel toddler books and rolling your Fisher-Price Little Tikes school bus around the van floor.
Insert jealousy making its ugly appearance, but the weirdest part with this jealousy was that I was genuinely happy for them. I mean this day would probably be something they will tell their grandkids one day! It was truly memorable I’m sure, I was just sad for you.
Yes, these moments of jealously make me sad. Would you ever experience such a thing? Walking to the bus stop alone? At 10 years old, it still just feels so far off from happening and who were you going to tell of your memorable return to in-person learning many years from now? It breaks my heart to think of these things.
Now insert me tumbling down a rabbit hole of wondering if you feel different from others when you’re walking to your classroom? Do you see the other kids? Their interactions? Are you bothered? Are you sad? I have no way of knowing. Maybe one day you’ll tell me your thoughts and feelings, but until then I’ll sit and just wonder.
Some would say there’s an easy solution - stay away from social media. Problem solved, right? Wrong. But I can honestly tell you if it wasn’t an innocent picture it would be the mom at the grocery store with perfectly behaved children or the family calmly waiting to get seated for dinner at a restaurant. Or that one person we all know that seems to get all good things all the time and lives a life that could be showcased in a Martha Stewart magazine. Jealously hides everywhere.
I read something a mom wrote in an autism forum the other day that spoke so much truth - even on our good days, it’s hard.
It’s hard not to see someone else's perceived ease and happiness and not want that too. It's not that we aren't happy, it just looks easy where we would see struggles.
Psychologists will tell you jealousy is part of being human and it’s not problematic unless you wallow in it. Well, this may come as a shocker but special needs parents can wallow a bit. Yep, I said it. But seriously do you blame us? Most of what we are told from the very beginning is what is delayed and behind and might not happen. Not exactly a cheery picture to paint for new, unsure parents. And let’s not talk about developmental milestone charts - it’s bound to happen. The seed of jealousy seems almost planted from the beginning.
Addie life is full of lessons and this is no exception. While it's not a proud feeling to admit to or even experience, I've learned It doesn’t have to turn into a negative. You can climb out of the rabbit hole baby.
For myself it almost always becomes reflective. What does that mean? Well, I start thinking of all the hurdles we’ve jumped, mountains we’ve climbed. And so what if you’re in the back seat playing with toys? You’re happy, and in school learning like other children. In the morning you still come crawling into our bed to snuggle, love story time with daddy, and evening cuddles with mommy.
You don't have a lot to say but your smile speaks volumes radiating so much joy into this world. When some kids may be pulling away with newfound independence, we are still your whole world and that is a special feeling that we will hang onto for as long as possible.
It’s really hard sometimes I can’t lie about that, jealousy is bound to be part of the journey especially where struggles exist, but I hope for anyone that experiences such a thing they will find it in them to wallow only long enough to see the reflection of just how good things are.
I love you the whole world full and we will always be your supportive crew mates through it all. Let us always remember to be reflective on the good.
Love,
Mom
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