Dear Addie,
Today was not a great day, it actually kinda sucked if I'm being honest. Autism was clearly determined to win, as we both took turns crying, and it became very clear that there was nothing we could do about it but wait it out and try again tomorrow. It was a long day to say the least.
But what happened?
Well, it all started OK as we were getting ready for another fun day at Camp Bluebird: All washed up, dressed, lunch packed, shoes on and we were ready to go! Another day of fun was ready and waiting for you! That was until someone knocked on our front door, a seemingly innocent thing really except in this scenario it set the dogs off into a barking firestorm and just like that one of your greatest auditory assaults, Ruby's Barking, (even with noise cancelling headphones) was firing away at you before we had the chance to even walk out the door. Our trusty hound literally didn't do anything wrong except alert us that someone was there, but unfortunately her low tone sound just happens to feel like nails on a chalkboard to you setting you into emotional turmoil and unleashing some really big feelings on whomever was closest to you or within earshot. It is always mistifiying to me the way auditory processing disorder works in situations like this, as you have zero issue with Finn the beagle howling, it's literally all about the tones...not about that bass (see what I did there - who doesn't love Meghan Trainor?) but I digress. Not a good start to the day for anyone, but especially for someone who has trouble regulating emotions. Thinking just maybe we could get past this if we got in the car and started heading towards camp immediately proved me wrong with the spitting, screaming and hitting resuming in the car. A quick U-turn and back home we went. No camp for you today and a day of tiptoeing and patience for everyone else.
it was not a great day.
The entire day was filled with on and off again tears and periodic yelling. Both your siblings took some unfortunate hits, and no matter what I did - nothing was making this better. You didn't want to act this way, as you tried to smile and laugh through tears but with communication and regulation being a big struggle for most kiddos with autism these feelings were controlling your thoughts and actions as we tried every tactic we had again and again and again in a solid attempt to get back on track. It was a get through it, keep you safe and try again tomorrow kinda day. A day where autism had a grip so tight we couldn't catch our breath. A reminder of the journey we are on and the predictable unpreictabilty that comes with it.
Addie, today broke my heart as it was not a great day at camp like it shouldve been, instead we were left exhausted, drained and somewhat defeated by a knock at the door, but the good news is these meltdown days are becoming less and less the older you get, we all got through it and tomorrow is a brand new day.
I'm so very sorry you struggled today baby girl, I hope you know how proud I am of how hard you tried to climb out of your icky feelings that seem to be coming faster than you could keep up with. Some days it is what it is and thats OK, because tomorrow is a new day to try again. We got this.
Always remember we love you so much all of the days good or bad - One Team, One Dream.
Love,
Mom
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