Dear Addie,
It all started with a social media post from someone who is not only a dear friend but also a fellow special needs mama…
This one post affected me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I couldn’t just “like” or “love” it, or even throw a “wow” face at it - I felt this to my core with a tidal wave of unexpected emotions at that. And then, I know shocker here, I cried.
You see Addie, so many things happened as I read it, initially, I was anxious for her - I simply couldn’t imagine taking you to such an event during the holiday season no less, and a flurry of “what if’s” flooded my thoughts. Feeling like some weird out-of-body experience, it was as if as I was reading this, I was feeling uncomfortable glances of strangers piercing my soul. Then, with a whiplash to my feelings, I felt an overwhelming sense of genuine happiness that everything was a success and that as a family they could enjoy such a thing. Blessed are these moments on this journey of said normalcy in which our world seems to be designed that so often can feel out of reach for us, and dare I say unattainable at times.
When speaking with her later about the experience she said, “It does give me hope that maybe there are a lot more people that feel that way but just don’t say anything.”
In those words, I felt the desire to feel hope as she did. Hope can hold so much weight, but yet feel free & simplistic. On this autism journey it’s what we fall back on, cling tight to, or just sit in silence with. It’s the courage to keep moving forward and the confidence to know where we are headed may be wildly unknown, but we got this! I was envious of her words and then suddenly sadden by my own realization.
This experience happened at the end of the year, a time when we reflect on our lives. A time to take stock in the good, the bad, and the “what was I thinking?” crazy moments of our journey, and I kept seeing only one thing - we are not really living Addie, and it was painfully obvious to me that it was by my own choice.
I promise I’m 1000% not being dramatic here Ad, I’m being brutally honest. This isn’t living. Not the living you, or I, or this family truly deserves. As your mother, I am beyond consumed with the comfort of others, not bothering them or their families and not making a scene.
I will say no to anything that might draw attention to us. If I don’t outwardly decline, I can tell you 100 things that might go wrong. And, yes some of it may be warranted (I stress safety will always be at the forefront), but in full disclosure, it’s usually my anxiety holding us back. Our family outings are more of a divide and conquer experience than anything that looks family-oriented. This type of living is literally defeating the purpose of our greatest autism advice - exposure is key.
Crazy right?
Somewhere along the line, I became more worried about others' quality of living, mostly perfect strangers mind you, than ours, and Addie I’m truly sorry for that. Really, I am. But here’s the good part Ad. When we recognize our faults, we have the power to learn and change the trajectory of where we’re going, how we will get there and the type of living we will do along the way. That’s a sign of growth baby girl and I can not say it enough – we never stop learning and growing in this life.
So, Addie with this new year ahead of us, I’ve decided I’m not going to make any resolutions of eating less pasta or exercising more – I married an Italian, and special needs parenting could be its own workout program I’m sure, but instead we are going to live Addie, really live.
Let’s do this!
I love you.
Mom
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