Me Time

Dear Addie,

I’ve heard it more than once, now that Caitlin is here you can have some “me time” or “you can take a break!” All that is said with the best intentions I’m sure but I can’t seem to find where those two phrases fit in with this journey or maybe it just looks a lot different than people expect.

It’s true I get 5 hours a day now where everyone is at school, but for someone that has been with you almost 24 hours a day since school let out last year, those 5 hours feel like static. Special needs caregiving is not something anyone can really grasp unless they are living it. It’s tiring, lonely, and constant. it’s morning, noon, and the middle of the night. It’s like running a race but someone keeps changing the finish line. Now I get home from dropping you off and don’t know where to start in the backlog of things that have been half done or shoved aside for another time. It all feels overwhelming and the thought of traditional self-care "me time" ie: lunch or a pedicure just sounds like adding more liquid to an already overflowing cup to which I’d have to find more time to clean up.

Did I order diapers because you can’t buy yours at just any store - Oh and don’t forget wipes! Are we due for more meds because those are all compounded and have to be made and picked up at a certain time? Did the wash make it into the dryer yesterday? ***Hard facts, my laundry will never be done and that load in the wash will probably get washed a few times because I’ll forget about it or better yet wash a diaper in there…there is nothing worse than the moment you open the wash and see all those gel beads stuck to everything. But I digress…

Did your diaper hold up last night or do we need to wash the sheets? Ah, the love/hate relationship with the fantastic compression sheet. I never thought I’d actually miss changing bunk beds or crib sheets - that should tell you something, but hey it helps significantly so I’ll take the full body workout wrestling that thing on your mattress.

All this is only a snapshot of the continuous barrage of needs for you, and let’s not forget the rest of the family, house, and pets. I’m not surprised that depression and anxiety rates are so high among families caring for special needs children. It’s not that we are never happy or lack joy in our lives but we constantly have to be on 24/7 even in our 5 hours of “me time.” That precious “me time” that more realistically looks like organizing or cleaning something to make our lives less chaotic because there’s a certain amount of chaos that never goes away.

I had a fellow SN mama friend tell me recently that she sat at night thinking what she could stop doing to make her life feel like she had her you know what together? I felt this to my core and realistically there’s nothing that can truly be eliminated.

But this is what I’ve discovered for myself to keep my sanity in the chaos and it doesn’t involve getting my hair or nails done, it’s literally just checking one box. Just one. For me, I pack your lunches. Knowing I can complete one task is deeply satisfying to me on this journey. Silly right?!

Yes, I have two high schoolers and a middle schooler and still pack your lunches. Some would say this is crazy, but it’s my time. My “me time” before the house wakes up.

Clara had a teacher make a snarky comment on her laziness in having me pack her lunch recently when she overheard her say something to a friend about being surprised by what I packed in her lunch.

I wanted so badly to find that person and tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. I wanted to tell them that packing that lunch is my win I get every day and in our predictably unpredictable life, I might not get another today. Those lunches were made with love for each individual child including a positive note for each high schooler reminding them of how much I love them and how worthy they are. This was my box I get to check that I completed something in our chaotic storm of life. So no she’s not lazy, this is my win.

When you live in a life of backlog our “me time” looks wildly different than most I’m sure but sometimes completing just one task however small gives you all the confidence and energy to tackle the day however it chooses to come at you.

I’ll get home from dropping you off and try to figure out where to begin in the backlog of life and when I don’t get it all done in the time I’m allotted I’ll remember the lunches. Because completing just one task in this type of life can make all the difference.

When you feel overwhelmed, just find one box to check…then wash the clothes twice.

I love you forever and always,

Mom