Dear Addie,
Parenting hands down is the greatest thing I’ve done in my life thus far (well next to marrying daddy of course!). It certainly hasn’t been easy, but dare I say a truly humbling experience?
I’m pretty sure our journey as parents was set from the get-go. We were never really prepared at any point in this new life, relying on gut instinct and shooting from the hip. We proved that theory all too accurate when I went into labor during our birthing class with your big sister Clara. I guess the big man upstairs decided we only needed the cliff notes version.
I remember that moment like it was yesterday, being so in love with this ooey-gooey baby and terrified that we now had to keep her alive! I’m totally guessing here, but I think it’s safe to say most parents feel that way when they look at their children for the first time. Fast forward some years and by the time we found out we were expecting you, we thought we had a girl and a boy, we were experts - we totally got this! I mean number 3 can’t possibly throw any parental curveballs at us! Ha ha ha ha ha - wrong! Newsflash - just because we had a girl and a boy doesn’t mean baby number 3 was going to have the personality of the same sex sibling...not even close. Funny how life works right?! Makes each individual, well their own individual! I know, mind-blowing. And not to make light of anyone who references themselves as a "boy mom" or "girl dad," but what does that mean exactly? Because if you’re referencing stereotypical traits like boys fart and belch, well I got news for ya' - girls are pretty gassy too. Again not throwing shade to anyone, but I bet if you asked those parents of same-gendered children about their personalities, I’m guessing they are wildly different. But I digress...
Now, while we as your parents are going through life shooting at the hip there generally comes a time when all parents think life seems perfect, content, and non-chaotic and we would do anything to just freeze it! To hold onto it for just a while longer.
This journey, raising a child with autism, is like freezing time.
For us, that’s around the age of 2 or 3. It’s like a groundhogs day, except you keep getting bigger ;). We get the cuddly toddler snuggles of our almost 10-year-old (gulp) and then the added bonus of big kid diapers too (ugh.) But how long we stay frozen here is unknown and brings me to this week.
Being frozen in this time frame comes with a good amount of baby and toddler toys. Our world is a kaleidoscope of blocks, rattles, alphabet & number based primary color learning toys. Broken or ripped they all have a purpose to you. It can leave me twitching from time to time wondering when we can move on from a book with 20 ripped pages.
Some of these toys have been with us from when your big sister Clara was just a baby. One toy, in particular, is a Leapfrog Learning Table. To say this toy has been loved would be an understatement. It has been through Clara, brother Gabe and now you... almost 15 years. It's not only acted as learning entertainment, but also a stool (much to my dismay) or chair on occasion. The stickers are worn and peeled and while it's been disinfected well over a thousand times I'm sure it probably could create some good activity in a petri dish.
It's been years since the batteries worked but the spinning rattle was always a favorite amongst you all and is a distinct sound of our parenthood journey. We have been awoken on several occasions from that rattle spinning in the middle of the night in your own personal effort to soothe yourself back to sleep.
In the last few months, I've been playing a dangerous autism parenting game of trying to thin our toys from your collection. It's a delicate process, to say the least.
It starts with taking notice if something is getting used or not. When I can confirm its lack of activity, I remove it from its current space and place it in my closet. Yes, Addie, not even our closet is free of toys. It remains there for a bit of time until it seems it's not missed by you to when it moves on from our home.
With it being a good month or so since I've heard the rattle I thought it was time, and just like that the Leapfrog Learning Table leaped its way into our closet to sit in wait.
Now before I'm seen as cruel for taking your toys, you are well aware of my process and have gone in there to retrieve objects on many occasions. But this time was different.
I walked around that petri dish of a table for almost two weeks before you finally went in and sat down next to it. There you sat just staring for a while. After almost 10 minutes you spun the rattle twice, got up, and walked away leaving the table behind. I teared up almost instantly. It was as if you were saying goodbye. At that moment I felt like our time was melting. We were moving on and somehow all of a sudden "I" didn't feel ready.
Oh, how the tables have turned right?! I never knew how attached I had become to something as simple as a toy I couldn't wait to get rid of after all these years. Turns out maybe it was the consistent piece in shooting from the hip with gut instincts after all these years.
Addie, it's no secret that in the last couple of weeks we have seen tremendous growth not only physically but developmentally as well. The meltdowns have minimized, sleep is consistent, heck you even waited in a line at our favorite breakfast restaurant - yes you looked a little like a caged tiger pacing in the beginning, but you managed to find a pattern in the socially distant "X" markings on the floor and EVEN ordered your own food! "A whipped cream please!"
While not every aspect of being frozen in this time has been easy, in fact, a good portion of it has been just plain hard and confusing, I can't deny that there was so much blessing in it as well.
Addie, we are so proud of how far you have come and how well you are handling this world that wasn't exactly designed for you. I often feel like I'm holding your hand at so many things in life, but I think the roles have reversed if only for this moment where you may be holding mine to move on.
I spun the rattle one more time too Ad.
Love,
Mom
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