Dear Addie,
This is traditionally my favorite week of the year filled with family and holiday cheer, but here we were, feeling nothing that resembled any sort of cheer with our family but rather sitting on the shower floor multiple times this week, as I was holding you waiting for calm to find us.
I didn’t want to write a letter this week.
To a journey filled with twists and turns, the last couple of days has left us feeling every ounce of drained as if we are spiraling out of control, grabbing at straws for answers. From all the vast nooks and crannies that autism brings, add to that anxiety, depression, sensory challenges, and self-injuring behaviors and it can be overwhelming to a degree many cannot comprehend. The fact of the matter is there’s a dark side to this journey no one can prepare you for and it is rarely talked about. Some days we are good at figuring out what and why things are happening, but sometimes it’s a heartbreaking waiting game, a game no one should ever have to play or be the center of.
I didn’t want to write this.
I watched you struggle and felt helpless. I questioned my faith, yet prayed the time would move faster because I knew sleep would bring you some peace and was better than feeling the way you were. I wanted nothing but peace for you. I wanted to make it all better.
I didn’t want to write this, but I did because the reality is life happens and sometimes it’s not what we expect or want but one-day baby girl we will look back at this time, a time when we are relishing in that peace I prayed for and remember just how amazingly strong you are to have endured all this.
We are all here for you and I will hold you as long as it takes.
Love,
Mom
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