Dear Addie,
This week was my birthday. That's right Addie, mama celebrated 25 years of life for the 14th time ;). My birthday week is usually a time I look forward to, but this year felt a little different.
Now the excitement for my birthday week is not because I think we should all be celebrating my existence, no no no, I think birthdays tend to bring people together offering a great excuse to take a break from schedules and just enjoy those we love in our lives. It’s also another reason for daddy's homemade Pina Coladas to come into play ;) (then again I'm at an age now where I think any day of the week that ends with a ”y” is also a good day for those to Addie).
But I digress...
This year felt different.
I'm not one for fussing over aging, I have gray hairs that are literally sticking straight up off my head like I stuck my finger in a light socket (don't do that Addie), what seems to be permanent laugh lines (or maybe they’re wrinkles), whichever they are I like to think that they just show that I've had plenty of reasons to smile in my life, so that can't be bad, right?! I’ve had skin cancer, have scars and bruises, tattoos and yes even a nose ring. Every line or mark has a story and I'm proud of it all.
Aging has never been an issue, until this birthday... and somehow it was kind of about me, and you too, and the uncertainty of the older versions of you and I.
Allow me to explain.
A few weeks ago I was driving to pick up Gabe from cross country practice and at a stoplight, I caught a glimpse of you in my rear view mirror. A normal occurrence really - we practically live in the van. You seemed to be daydreaming out the window, stimming while clutching firmly to a set of particular car toys you've grown fond of the last couple weeks. Happy as could be.
For a second I saw in you the little girl I see everyday, and then all of a sudden a teenaged version of that little girl was suddenly in the mirror. Cue my mind elopement and my desire for a crystal ball in this life.
My impending birthday and growing older had taken over my thoughts of a life I feel wildly unprepared for - and we were just at a stop light.
I started to wonder, would this still be the scene? Would you still want to sit in ”your” seat as a teenager in the back of the van or would you fight for ”shotgun” with Clara and Gabe? Will you still have car toys? Still request impossible snacks at unrealistic times like on the expressway when you ask for ”a-shicken please” or ”show me tacos!” I wonder.
My birthday is a reminder that we are all growing older and I won't have to wonder too much longer because you'll be a teenager before we know it. Gulp. Where did the time go?
You see Ad, this journey is riddled with evaluations and paperwork for one thing or another almost yearly. A constant reminder of living in Holland rather than Italy. New doctors, therapies, insurance blah blah, I think it's pretty safe to say I have your life’s timeline memorized at this point. Consistency in your life falls on your progress always marked positively, but in ”baby steps.” You're almost 9 Addie. Growing up very fast! I know that sounds funny doesn't it, because time is what it is, I can't really make it faster or slower - the consistency in time is it doesn't stop, a wish for most parents at one-time or another. Who doesn’t want to hit the pause button from time to time - either to spend more time on a certain phase of life, or to play catch up if at all possible!
When I think of all the rehashing of your earlier years til now with evaluations it really got me wondering, where will we be with these ”baby steps” when you are a teenager or at my age for that matter? How many more baby steps will we have made and where will we have made it to? All this swirling about as I watch you look out a window.
I know what you are thinking, longest stoplight in history right?!? Nope, just a bazillion racing thoughts baby girl.
Addie as parents we spend roughly 18 years trying to give our kids enough of everything to prepare them for this great big world. Realistically we have (and need) more time with you I know.
The truth in all this, blessing or a curse, we don't know what the future holds for you. I want to hit the pause button because I just don't feel prepared.
I often wonder if we are doing enough, but with each passing birthday and being yet another year older I know we are creeping toward time in which I will ask if we’ve in fact done enough.
Keep making those steps baby girl.
I love you.
Mom
Commenti