Self-Care

“Self-care means giving yourself permission to pause.” ~Cecilia Tran

Dear Addie,

Every last part of me is dedicated to this family and everyone’s needs that need to be met. Who needs to go where, at what time - therapy, practice, games, school (3 schools in 3 different cities). Everyone still seems to enjoy eating, so there’s that whole “food” thing with grocery shopping and playing my hand at household chef. Do we have diapers? Medications (for both our K9 and human family members)? Homework (sorry can’t help you with that math - phones have calculators - just saying)? Did everyone drink enough water today?! When was the last time I had an oil change? Am I really the only one who changes the toilet paper rolls? I could go on and on and on.

I’m confident this list is relatable to every parent, and while we love these mini-humans we are raising more than anything, it can lead to parental burnout! I’m not even kidding Ad! Complete and utter exhaustion!

Now take that list and break it down a little more. Hours of no-end-I’d-rather-stick-pins-in-my-eyes conversations with health insurance companies about coverage and identifying which circus hoops I need to jump through to get those all too important therapies you need, and medications that are a necessity for you to sleep (it’s like an MTV house party ALL NIGHT LONG if you don’t have them).

Do we have enough diapers? Because if not, you will freely use the platform swing in your room like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball, only I’m pretty sure she has better bladder control than you (yes, I own not one, but two steam cleaners - Bissel is yet another company we should’ve bought stock in). Speaking of swings, did you get enough sensory stimulation today, or is tonight going to be an “autism is not for the weak” kinda night?! More recently - do we have a back up Wubble?!?! Have you mastered the most recent set of locks on the doors? This list too could get crazy long! But it’s the norm, and we surely don’t mind any of this one bit because we love you to the moon and back!

But, here’s the thing. While we love you little (who am I kidding, the Menzo’s are far from little) munchkins the whole world full, this day to day can start to ware you down without you even realizing it. Have you ever heard of mommy brain? It’s a real thing, but surely there’s a way fancier name. Anyway, It’s after you have a baby. In that moment, you are quite sleep deprived, but you kinda think your killing it at this parenting thing only to realize you just put a diaper perfectly on the cat! I’ve never done that (at least I don’t think so,) but you get my point. Just this week I tried to give Gabe a bowl of goldfish crackers intended for you. He literally looked at me like - mom are you OK? Addie, he doesn’t like goldfish nor does he need me to pour them into a small pink treat bowl for him if he did! The same day that I gave Gabe your crackers, I grabbed a diaper and wipes to change you. I closed the door behind me, sat on the floor only to look up and find not you but Ruby our trusty K9 companion had followed me in and was now looking back at me, not you! I’m starting to think now that I may have actually diapered a cat at one point in time! Mark it! Mama needs a break! The words “self-care” get thrown around a lot in advice to special needs parents. While I like to think we are intelligent people and we get the concept of why this is so necessary and important - finding the time in our ridged little world with schedules that run literally around the clock is way easier said than done. That “self-care” becomes less and less of a priority as you continue to fill everyone’s tank while you ride on fumes. Well Ad, you know what they say, “where there’s a will, there’s a way!” And it was time I figured this out - if not for me, for the cats! Operation “self-care” was underway! Here’s the thing, self-care can be as simple as getting your nails done, enjoying a massage or even lunch with friends. All great things Ad and I certainly wouldn’t mind taking advantage of opportunities as such, but for me I surely would only be half committed to this pause of routine and still consumed with what I needed to do after this or what this break was going to do to my time management for the rest of the day. It’s not that easy to shut off my day planner in my head. This was going to need to be a bit more extreme and as luck would have it my fellow special needs mama friend Katie (your friend Dylan’s mommy) was needing to refuel as well - so now I had a perfect side kick for a self care adventure! With months of planning and my day to day proving I really needed this sooner than later, we were off to self-care in the land of sensory overload, Las Vegas NV. Kinda funny right?!? Just the thought of your sweatpants loving mama in Vegas could make anyone chuckle and it doesn’t seem all that relaxing with bright lights, cigarette smoke and slot machines right?! That may be true, but we just wanted to do something that was so far from our norm (and comfort zone for that matter) that our mind would almost be forced to leave the thought of routines and schedules behind, so welcome to Vegas! Remember my whole months of planning? Well of course Las Vegas would be experiencing a grasshopper invasion the week we planned to go. Seriously? Grasshoppers?! Addie I can’t even make this up, with double the amount of rain than usual those jumpy little buggers started migrating in large swarms right through the iconic Vegas strip! We joked while packing that anything we brought needed to accessorize well with grasshoppers! Not knowing 100% what this was going to be like, the day had finally come, we were still “all in”, and I was at the airport - alone. Not alone in there was no one there, but alone in lack of family. It was almost an odd, dare I say uncomfortable feeling - clearly I’m not a traveler Addie. Everything was going well until I got to the tunnel, it was a little backed up as everyone was getting set with their seats and luggage on the plane (and it was Southwest, so a free for all on seating - this was a first for me). Standing there all of the sudden I felt my heart racing and I couldn’t help but think of when we did the Wings for Autism event. At this point in our practice airport experience you were screaming, sweating, crying, drooling excessively, and laying on the dirty floor for at least a solid 30 min only to get on the plane and pee in your seat! It was a disaster and every ounce of anxiety I had then came rushing back. Why was this happening? This was just a memory, not the actual moment in time! It felt so real though. The line started moving again and I was able to shake free from my thoughts and proceed to the plane. Lucky for me an aisle seat in the back of the plane was still available and calling my name! Yes Addie, I prefer the aisle because I just know I’d get a nervous bladder otherwise and have to crawl all over people to use the pint size airplane restroom far too many times on a 3 hour flight! Feeling nervous, I tried to keep myself occupied with my phone. After an hour I thought it was snack time and pulled out the most expensive bag of airport trail mix ever. As I ripped open the bag I immediately remembered Katie’s daughter has a peanut allergy, and I quickly asked the person next to me if she was allergic feeling bad that I had only thought of it after I already opened it! Luckily for me she was all good. Crisis adverted! Over the next two hours I engaged in some nervous awkward conversation and I’m pretty sure I even offered the complete stranger I was sitting next too my neck pillow so she could sleep more comfortably. Funny how I won’t let any of you try on hats at stores for fear of lice, but sharing my pillow - no problem. What is happening to me?!?! 3 hours of airtime and we landed safely. Now Addie being of the female population, just go ahead and prepare yourself for standing in a line to use the restroom...always. Insert mommy getting off the plane and heading straight to the potty...ummmmmmmm you guessed it along with every other girl in the airport! As I stood in line a good 10-12 people deep , all of a sudden I felt anxious. I wanted to throw up! I started thinking of how this would go having to stand in this line with you and memories of actually having done such?! You’d surely be screaming by now and tearing off in a fight or flight moment! An overhead light flickering above, the rolling suitcases, sinks, hand dryers, NOSE BLOWING! I was almost frozen in anxiety literally just in thought of having you with me in this moment. Again, you’re not even with me! What is wrong with me! I moved on as quickly as possible to grab my bag and check in with daddy. I tried to find a spot with as few people as possible to give myself a little breathing room. As I sat relaying my anxiety story about the restroom, I remembered reading an article that spoke of PTSD in special needs parents. I know most people think of PTSD from military combat, but what I've learned and admit was naive of really knowing is PTSD is defined as a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear and helplessness in short. This Addie can happen to anyone.

Some of such events listed involving special needs parents were memories of hospital stays, to epic public meltdowns, even discrimination. I was starting to think that this was the reason these unexplained memories were triggering my anxiety in certain situations. I may have needed this pause in life more than I realized.

To be continued...

Love,

Mom