Dear Addie,
I’m sure many stay-at-home parents will agree that our days can often feel, for lack of a better word… exhausting, and like being on a treadmill all day long (with the exception that you’re gaining weight rather than losing it - or maybe that’s just me?! Hmmmmm. But I digress….)
While the exhaustion feels comparable to an all-day workout routine it’s also all too relatable to the treadmill this last year with constant movement but you’re literally going nowhere. Thanks, Covid.
We make a meal, clean up a meal, wash clothes, dry clothes, then for an evil twist to the laundry game - we sometimes get to wash clothes multiple times because we forget about them in the washing machine and nobody wants to wear the "ode to mildew" scent. I don’t need to ramble off everything parents do, but I don’t care if you’re the Mary Poppins of mamas (or papas) out there - it gets tiring.
Now in the special needs world, we get to add some extras in there. Potty training for what I’m convinced will be our whole lives, changing diapers - there’s no cute changing table anymore - it’s up and down off the floor with someone my own size, washing your child’s hair, yet questioning the last time you washed your own - you can add shaving legs to that one as well. And we now own far too many plungers & plumbing snake devices from rolls of toilet paper and banished toys who inevitably meet their demise by a flushing at the porcelain throne. Medicine, messes, therapy, part-time plumber - it’s tiring.
Now all this shouldn't imply I’m not grateful for all the blessings we have, it’s just an open admittance to say - I’m tired. I’m not a superhuman of endless energy and patience. I know shocker right?! Even mamas run out of steam and could use a nap Ad...or two.
With this day to day also comes an emotional hit in the special needs world when your children can’t verbalize, or they struggle showing their love, gratitude, or feelings. It’s part of human nature to need reassurance we are doing things right. We do and do and do, with no "thank yous," " I love yous," or spontaneous hugs. It’s not to sound ungrateful but sometimes even as parents we need an emotional check-in to see how this is all going. A little “hey are we doing this right, because there’s no rule book here?! I mean you're happy and feel loved, right?!”
In a conversation recently with daddy, I think he put it perfectly to say that with you it’s like your body struggles to move and act the way you want it to, but your soul speaks volumes. Addie daddy is a very wise man.
That’s right Ad, you have your very own unique way of expressing your love and gratitude that is all you...Snuggling.
We all get them and each one of us gets a unique snuggle from you all our own. Mine most often come at the end of the night when everything is done and I finally sit down.
You’re a snuggler. Now, these days it does feel a bit different than the baby and toddler snuggles we are most used to, and I’ll admit it’s not always the most graceful of execution or comfortable feeling when you come in like a wrecking ball plopping you’re 120lb body on me, sitting or lying not so still… but I wouldn’t give it up for the world.
You’re a snuggler. A physical, social and emotional connection that is often very difficult for individuals autism.
But here you are, a snuggler.
Your way of checking in to say all the things you can’t, filling and overflowing my emotional bucket as you sit and play with my eyelashes.
You’re a snuggler.
Last week I even got a bonus and the extra special joy of witnessing you pull out your own tooth while we were snuggling. Didn’t see that coming, but luckily I had my phone and saw what was happening so I could share it with daddy! I know what you are thinking and yes we are weird like that. Some might think that’s kind of gross, but it was a first here in the Menzo house for any of our babies. You can add resident dentist to my resume because I usually pull the teeth around here ;).
But when it comes to you my dear, if I’m being honest most of your teeth are wiggly then mysteriously just gone! We never see them come out or know where they end up (while I suspect the toilet because that’s your go-to for anything but what we'd like you to use the toilet for). You just show up with a toothless grin. You rarely need my assistance with this.
Ah yes, sweet girl, leave it to you to even make snuggling predictably unpredictable, but the feelings are all the same.
I love you the whole world full and no matter how tired I get I absolutely love being your mommy and getting all those snuggles makes every ounce of tiredness worth it.
Love,
Mom