Dear Addie,
Someone rang the doorbell.
Now I don’t know what happens in other homes when someone comes to the door, but at our house, all hell breaks loose.
It’s always somewhat amusing to me, watching whoever doesn’t know our family and is now at our front door try to explain their presence with the complete and utterly chaotic mess of dogs barking and you screaming behind me.
“LETTER O!” is yelled at the top of your lungs repeatedly with your hands covering your ears and tears streaming down your flushed cheeks. Why is that what is being screamed? I have some guesses, but no real idea.
“Ouch,” “Oye,” “Oh hell no!” It could be any of these or you just like the letter “O?”
Ah yes, this is auditory sensitivity at its finest. But this right here is deeper than just a sensitivity, it’s called Misophonia. I think I’ve mentioned it before but it’s described as a hatred of sound - that’s literally the Greek translation I'm not even making that up! Now that doesn’t mean all sounds are awful but some elicit a dramatic response of pain or fear.
After I closed the door, admittedly I lost it a bit and yelled: “PLEASE STOP SCREAMING!” I like to think that other moms are out there teetering on sanity’s edge, but maybe that’s just where I seemed to have pitched a tent the past few years. After I did it, I immediately felt guilty. I think it’s safe to say the “expect the unexpected” lifestyle is challenging for us all. This journey comes with an exponential amount of exhaustion that even if we did snatch up 8 solid hours of sleep, the “trying to stay a few steps ahead of potential meltdown” can leave you equally mentally and physically exhausted. So yes, not my finest moment.
Here’s the thing Addie, our morning was going so well! We had our usual morning snuggles, breakfast, got ready for school with no fuss, heck I even finished a cup of coffee while it was still warm at that! And then it happened, someone came to the door - how dare they! I mean they had to really want to come to our door because we have a front porch gate for the sole purpose of giving us a few extra seconds if you (or the dogs) escape the Fort Knox locks in our house that have become so elementary for you now. I think it’s pretty safe to say we don’t even need a doorbell because the dogs can tell us when someone has arrived. I know you don’t mean to act out like this, and it bothers you to your core when Ruby barks. Just Ruby though. When Finn our “adorable” chubby beagle starts howling and barking, no problem. Go figure. But Ruby’s bark? Not your favorite tone to say the least. But she is part of our family, a dog, and dogs bark. So we really need to figure this out. Now it’s not the only sound that drives you mad, but probably the most bothersome these days.
Auditory sensitivity is a very challenging thing especially when it triggers such anxiety in someone. It also comes with a boatload of advice or suggestions from doctors or anyone breathing. And seriously we take it all to heart.
Headphones? We have them, we’ve had many different kinds and brands too. Even therapy to get them on your head! But the reality is it doesn’t make too much difference.
Get rid of the dog? No. Our pets, as crazy as they make us, are part of our family. I’m determined to figure out how to live peacefully.
Bark collars or devices? They only work so well and interestingly enough we bought an indoor bark deterrent device and if the dogs barked it let out a sound only they, oh and YOU could hear! Disaster. No thanks!
You know Addie you used to do the same thing with babies that were laughing or crying? Their sounds could throw you into a “fight or flight” response in a matter of seconds!
Crowds cheering? Same.
Whistles blowing? Same.
Dad sneezing (and only dad, mommy can sneeze all day long if needed)? Same.
Clara’s Tourette’s tic? Same.
Nose blowing? Same.
Now some of these things still bother you, but not to the degree of “fight or flight” or breaking out into tears. So what happened? Why the change?
While there is still a lot to learn about auditory sensitivities and Misophonia in general, I’ve personally noticed that medication to help control your anxiety and an increase in your own personal production of white noise has helped a great deal. You seldom go anywhere without a fidget spinner, a metal clip, or a ballpoint pen that can be clicked. You have figured out (on your own mind you) that going into stores (let’s say Target for example) can be full of sensory overloads, and heck crying babies too. As soon as we walk in the doors I hear your metal clip start clinking and it doesn’t usually stop until we get to the car. While we might get reactions to some sounds, they are not meltdown inducing.
While white noise has seemed to help with coping in some of our “exposure is key” areas of life, it can’t help with everything. And your love/hate relationship with Ruby is still on my list of things to figure out. And I will figure it out - promise! That dog is as loyal as they come to you - even when you’re screaming at her. She literally has you in her sight and at an earshot at all times - and any extra eyes for safety is truly important for us.
So now what? You were a mess. Stressed from the unexpected visitor at our door and to add fuel to the fire, you left your shoes at the beach (mother of the year I didn’t even notice - but in my defense barefoot is really your jam), so we were left with sneakers a good solid size too small - surely we weren't exactly whipping up a recipe for a great day. At this point I was already asking for a do-over and it was only 8:25 am.
Unfortunately time travel back or forward isn’t a thing yet so, let's do this!
I wiped your tears and put your mask on to head off to school. I sent your teacher a message of the morning's events as we were waiting at drop off, surely not expecting the day to go well. Still flushed from crying and watery-eyed they came to take your temperature and off you went. I spent the whole day worried that the struggle was real today and the dramatics that unfolded before we left for school would spill over into the rest of the day. Surely your teachers hated me and you were angry and hurt still that I had lost my cool. So spending most of the day with a knot in my stomach from the morning drama and feeling like a super sucky parent the time had come to pick you up. Deep breaths.
I saw you running along the side walk (not exactly walking feet Ad...) hand in hand with your teacher like you couldn’t wait to see me. And just like that, like only you can do, you proved me wrong.
At the end of the day, your teacher brought you to the van (or you ran her to the van was more like it) and she said you had a great day! Like a really great day! You even got to try out the 4th and 5th grader playground (Which you loved)!
Seriously? Didn’t see that coming in a long shot! Once again teaching me life lessons baby girl. Don’t let one bad thing define the rest of your day. Things are bound to happen that really, well, for lack of a better word - suck. Brush it off and move on right?!
I’m so proud of how well you are learning to cope in this big ole chaotic world.
Keep it up Addie! ...and I’m sorry I lost my cool. We'll figure this out. Promise.
I love you.
Mom
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