Dear Addie,
With big sister Clara headed off to college in just a few short weeks now, someone shared the most amazing poem with me recently called "The Last Time." It was a little hard to read as I was pretty sure someone was chopping onions close by and my eyes seemed to be leaking out of control (I should've grabbed tissues before reading it). Still, it also had a flip side, and I was once again reminded of the whiplash our parenting journey has been.
Warning: Grab tissues.
The Last Time
From the moment you hold your baby in your arms, you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
when you had freedom and time and nothing in particular to worry about.
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before
and days will run into days that are exactly the same:
Full of feedings and burping, nappy changes and crying,
whining and fighting, naps or lack of naps
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
But don’t forget…
There is a last time for everything.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day, and it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down and never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath at night and from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles
and it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “The Wheels on the Bus” and do all the actions then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate then the next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
until there are no more times… and even then, it will take you a while to realize.
So while you are living in these times, remember there are only so many of them and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.
~Anonyomous
The poem is no doubt emotionally charged and mostly tracks but is a glaring reminder that there are some "lasts" most will experience that we, in our little special needs world, just won't. The sleepless nights, changing diapers, bathing, The endless tale of the piggies going to the market, snuggling while being significantly larger than me, still needing to use my shoulder to balance sometimes when dressing, the list is long but it's also things I haven't done with your siblings in quite some time. It's been a fluid moment for us as we've never stopped and the "lasts" for it all seems to be on a blurry timeline. Not complaining by any stretch of the imagination, it just is what it is. I would however be totally on board with the last diaper change, but I digress.
This past week we had our last family vacation before our day-to-day inevitably changes with Clara leaving. While I'm fully aware it will not be our last family vacation ever, it will feel different the next time as I'm sure she will have lived so much life without us near and have so many tales to tell us.
This week we soaked up all the family time we could, because so many of Clara's lasts are now behind us.
Love,
Mom
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