Dear Addie,
There we were, splashing in the waves, and licking salt from our lips as the cool ocean water attempted to ease the sun’s intensity. To say it was hot would be an understatement. In this very moment the worries of our day to day seemed to melt away somewhere in that ocean on this rather isolated beach. There was no virus to worry about, opinions on what we should or should not do in pandemic life, education decisions to make or if you know me well...sharks that I could see. Nothing. It was just a blissful, perfect moment as a family. One Team, One Dream splashing in the waves on a sandbar as far as we could see.
But in the midst of this carefree moment, you suddenly stopped, stared off into the distance and then proceeded to move your way towards me. Step, by step, you came closer and closer.
Inches away you took my hand and placed it on the buckle to your life vest, looking me straight in eyes you said “off please.” You were staring so deeply in my eyes I swear you could’ve felt my soul.
That look, the softness in your request, I could tell you really wanted this, you wanted to be like everyone else. Born to stand out, you wanted to fit in.
With this one simple request a thousand thoughts and emotions flashed before me.
Were you ready for this, because I wasn’t.
But what if...? But what if it was OK?
But you can’t swim! But would you ever learn if not given the chance?
Was I holding you back?
Was my fear hindering your progress?
Was I causing more harm than good?
With your hand on mine over that buckle these were the thoughts racing through my head.
You were standing tall enough now to see me eye to eye. You weren’t a baby anymore, sure you need assistance with more than most kids your age, but you are almost 10. You’re far from a baby, but a big girl seeking independence. A legit natural progression of life - something we should celebrate! But I was wary and scared of this moment, the feelings of celebration were miles away and instead I was feeling every ounce of guilt for feeling this way.
You saw Clara and Gabe jumping in waves and you wanted to do the same. But not just do, but feel what they felt.
My heart was thumping so hard I swear you could've felt it with this one simple request. What was wrong with me?!
Truth be told Addie I’m so afraid to let you fall that I might never know if you could fly. I’d like to think I’m not alone in that parental feeling, but maybe it’s just me? Over protective? Helicopter parent? With this journey that’s not a bad thing...is it?
Insert me questioning of everything while all you wanted was your life vest off.
This right here is special needs parenting at its core. Every single decision is a mind game of analyzing every second of a decision and potential outcome.
You see Addie, I won’t be around forever. That is a harsh reality that continues to haunt me every birthday. Who will buckle you in? Who will catch you when you fall? Why was I struggling at this point in the game, why can’t I mentally admit you’re getting older and independence is something every human being strives for and needs for that matter?! Perhaps it’s my own worry-filled mind playing tricks with me keeping you young lets me worry less about a wildly uncertain future.
But there you were wanting to try. How could I deny you this chance?
You could’ve removed that vest yourself Addie but you didn’t. You guided my hand to the buckle as if to ask permission for this independence. Asking permission to let you fly, if only for a moment.
Swallowing my fear (and you being surrounded by 4 strong swimmers) I unbuckled your vest.
You immediately submerged your torso into the waves and squealed with excitement! You felt like a big kid and I, in that very moment, finally saw you that way.
Sometimes we all need a little push (even as adults) in life to keep moving forward Ad. What I learned this day is that so often that push can come from the most unlikely of sources.
I think we both grew up today sweet girl.
You will always be my baby Addie, all three of you will be, but today you really enjoyed your little flying lesson and I’m so happy you did. I think we both needed it.
Enjoy the waves baby girl, I’ll still be right here if you need me.
Love,
Mom
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