Dear Addie,
Here we are, still social distancing and now, as of this week, under even more strict guidelines at that.
Me, well I’m still acting as teacher, chef, mom, household extraordinaire, but I’m also suddenly delusionally confident I could win Guys Grocery Game Challenge on the Food Network Channel, and flip a house like Joanna Gaines on HGTV, but those last two might be the isolation talking?!
You, dare I say, I think are slightly depressed at the sudden confusion of your schedule and we are not at our home.
You see Addie before all hell broke loose our rental property started booking way earlier than expected. That's good for us, but with a few maintenance repairs needed before occupants could start renting, we headed to our happy beach place to get it ready for others to enjoy as we do - then the wheels fell off the country. After we got here, they closed access and no one was allowed in. Things got real fast! Seeing it is the country was abruptly shutting down we thought it’d be best to stay put. If you can’t leave the house, you can’t leave the house.
Now I know what most people would be thinking...Wow! The beach, there could be worse places to be social distancing! Well, the reality check, work is still happening, school is still in session, laundry is still constant. We’re a far cry from lounging on the beach catching rays of vitamin D. Nope not even close, no vacation here! We are hunkered down, staying in the house like most of the country, doing our part to keep everyone safe. We leave to walk the dogs (only a few times during the week at that and yes that has a beautiful view) and that’s about it.
But even walking the dogs has resulted in moments that I wish I would’ve just stayed home.
An innocent dog walk is where this chapter begins.
We decided to take our walk down to the beach and since you had been very patient with my attention being divided with online kitchen table schooling, I was going to let you put your feet in the water. Seems like a funny thing to “let” you do but we’ve come a long way from having a meltdown if you can’t go 100% in the water - remember our first visit here, yikes! Need I remind you of how horrible some of those moments were? You have been quite content with just sitting in the sand as of late so this was going to be exciting for you and we thought it would lift your spirits a little bit. Let's do this!
With not a soul to be seen except us on the beach, you wandered to the edge where the waves were crashing against the shore. The waves were quite big on this day - a surfers dream in my mind, but my goodness that water was chilly! You giggled and squealed, stimming repeatedly with excitement at the whole experience of water crashing on your legs. You were instantly cheered up. Success!
Just behind us was the rest of our dream team watching your delight, holding the dogs on their leashes. I was suddenly distracted by the sound of whining and restlessness coming from the dogs when I turned to look at an unleashed dog running straight at them and a woman running after it! In all the commotion of the dogs, my glance took a different direction you saw an opportunity to take a few steps further and on a day like today, those waves could've pulled you out quickly! I turned back in time to grab the back of your shirt to pull you back before you could go any further, but as I leaned forward to do so, my phone fell out of my sweatshirt pocket just as a wave was simultaneously crashing in and with a blink of an eye the sea had swallowed it. Ugh. I couldn’t believe that just happened.
It was just a phone, Addie. You were safe, but also angry as all get out that we wouldn’t let you be a little mermaid for the day. We finished our walk away from the water's edge and headed back home.
I beat myself up internally about the whole incident for a few hours. I knew it was “just a phone” and I could get a replacement (which I did I few days later), but I just couldn’t help but feel like it felt like more than the loss of a phone to me, but why was I feeling this way?
Now maybe I’ve had way too much time on my hands and my thoughts are running wild, but I think I figured it out, it wasn’t just a phone, it was something this journey so often needs...a lifeline.
A lifeline. Sounds extreme right?! Well especially during this new wave of schooling - a huge portion of which is technology-based and communications are given via text and email. You will probably have no idea what life is like without technology, but there was a time when that was the case. I think a lot of parents are feeling the lifeline theory more nowadays, but it wasn’t just nowadays that it has been this way for me.
Being here for what feels like… I’ve officially lost track of time as I used to know it, we’ve walked to the beach maybe 3 times. In my hopeful heart, I thought just maybe my phone washed up on the shore and I was going to find it just waiting for me to pick it up! I mean dad did lose his wedding band in the ocean one time and we found it - true story (we were totally meant to be together!). I’m not even sure why I was holding out hope for such a thing to happen. It wouldn’t work if I did find it. That simple thing of a phone represented so much right now.
When I lost it, it took social distancing to a whole new level.
I started thinking deeper about relationships and those friendly connections I had made stored as names and numbers on my phone. Most of those names were there from connections made directly through all of you kids that are now home with me for no one really knows how long. The activities I’ve chauffeured y’all too, school pick drops/pickups/weekly volunteering. Now not everyone has journeyed around like us. We’ve met and made friends with hands down some of the best of the best people on this planet and then moved away - that without a doubt is always the hardest part about moving in my opinion. We’ve been told our friendship should come with a warning label - WARNING WE WILL LEAVE YOU! But if anyone knows this OTOD our friendship is kind of a lifelong deal so... regardless of where we move, you’re stuck with us.
Social media and advances in technology have been an awesome way to keep those connections current. I don’t know about everybody else but our lifestyle doesn’t just allow me the opportunity to jump on a plane to have coffee and catch up with a bestie across the country. Sometimes just a simple text or even a texting conversation between our chaos is the friend boost we need. As humans, we need interaction. A long drawn out conversation on the phone, in theory, sounds great, but even that is wishful thinking.
As special needs parents, it’s two-fold. While you are making great progress in some of the “social norms”, still things like going out to eat spur of the moment, shopping at a busy mall or visiting a zoo or museum that kind of friendship we can’t promise anyone and if you do choose to venture out with our crew you might get stared at. Sometimes those texts that people may think are just a “hey just checking in” ware maybe just the distraction and moment of sanity I needed in a time where we have felt defeated by our autism life in one way or another.
Social media and our phones have made a journey that can feel (and has felt) so lonely for so many for many years, a lifeline connection to that human interaction. That right there has probably saved a lot of people in one way or another.
For a moment (or who am I kidding, I silently cried on and off all night) when I watched that wave swallow my phone, I felt like I had lost those connections, the love, the friendship. It felt gone. Silly thing to think right? Well isolation does crazy things to our thoughts. Although at this time I don’t think there is a person who hasn’t been grateful in some fashion for technology and being able to see friends and family or teachers and classmates!
I did get a new phone Ad, it was refurbished, and if I’m being honest the screen doesn’t work quite as well as my last one, but I’m blessed and it works and was backed up properly so most of my info was returned to normal.
I couldn’t help but think of this being much like life as we know it right now. Our human interaction was swallowed by the sea for some time and we were forced to wait it out for a while. When it returns it might be kind of the same, but I imagine it will feel different. Our lives will resume, but when that day comes, may we all have a little more appreciation for what we have, especially the people in it and just maybe we'll take a breath and move through life a little slower.
I truly believe everyone is in our lives for a reason. Addie if one day you’re ever thinking of someone, let them know, even if it’s just a text. It could be exactly what someone needed. You could be someone's lifeline.
Don't worry Ad, we'll be splashing in the waves again someday and most definitely without my phone ;)
I love you.
Mom
Comments