We Rocked It

Dear Addie,

Truth - in the beginning, I wanted to have you somehow conform and melt into what I perceived was a normal life. Like there was a magic fix for all this autism chatter that I did not understand. I laugh sometimes when I think back to how naïve my thinking was back then. There wasn't anything to fix after all because nothing was broken; it was all just different. I live each day now trying to think somehow, I can change the world so that we can co-exist with society blending this perceived normal view I had with our extraordinary life. Anyone living this journey knows that it is a tall order, but hope keeps us going sometimes.

During the first couple of years on this journey, I felt quite alone. Playdates were nonexistent, and going out in public left us on full display to judging eyes. My circle of friends consisted more of therapists and teachers than other moms - while I did, however have a few. I felt anything but comfortable in this version of mom that I was now in. Like somehow the mom memo did not reach me this time, and I was shooting from the hip and missing.

Why did everyone else look so comfortable being a mom - at school, stores, restaurants, everywhere I looked, I was envious of the ease they seemed to portray. Thinking back, the only place I ever felt comfortable was visiting your therapists' offices, but why was that? And just like that, it hit me. It was because I did not have to explain or apologize for your actions or behaviors. Everyone there just understood and knew the hard work that went into every ounce of the exposure of just leaving our house.

You see, Addie, society strives for comfort. We surround ourselves with like-minded people because, honestly, it's less stressful. But what happens when there is no place for our type of like-mindedness to gather? What happens when your greatest advice is "exposure" in a world that was not designed for you? Did these exposure experts talk to society first to tell them to be nice and patient because they are sending us out to work on life skills, which might not look or sound pretty? The answer is no. So, what happens then? If you are a people pleaser like myself, you will find yourself apologizing for anything that could make someone even look in our direction. Not having a place to find comfort makes you lean into introverted-ness and wanting to revert back to a place of seeking to blend in very quickly. The stares, the snickers, the disapproving head shakes, it makes you lose your confidence in the dream of living that coexistence of society norm and our extraordinary together.

But what if there was a place? Which brings me to this weekend…

This past weekend was the grand opening of a new sensory-friendly gym cleverly named; We Rock the Spectrum in our area. This particular gym is filled with sensory play equipment alongside patient & friendly staff. Their motto is “a place where you never have to say I'm sorry.” Sounds amazing right?! Now with much anticipation, we visited this gym during their opening, and I realized very quickly that "I'm sorry" has become a conditioned response for me; seeing it is I must have said it about 30 times while there. No one was ever upset by anything we were doing, but I still felt the need to apologize. It was a conditioned response of feeling someone else's comfort was worth more than ours. Like, somehow, we were in the wrong. It was a response I leaned on, having never felt comfortable in such a public space like this before.

While you were living your best life, and my goodness, were you ever, I could not help but look around at the younger children and their parents. I was so happy they had this comfortable, inclusive space to thrive in. A space I wish had existed when I was once in their shoes so many years ago, feeling so stressed and lonely.

Addie, everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their surroundings, even if they learn at a different pace than most. What a blessing it is to now have such a place to practice our exposure with others doing the same. We can only hope it creates a ripple effect of comfort for our community. Autism Airlines anyone? One can dream right?!

We rocked it at We Rock the Spectrum this weekend and it was a blast! We'll be back for sure!

Love,

Mom