Dear Addie,
When you were born, I never would have imagined we’d live in two separate worlds. I thought parenting was holding your child’s hand and showing them the world – the one we both were living in. Boy was I wrong. We’ve both spent over a decade now, me trying to see your world living with autism and you mine. But what happens when our worlds collide? What happens then? How do you parent through that? Has anyone found that parenting manual yet?
Addie, I know it’s hard to believe, but mommy was once a young girl like you. I know, crazy, right? But it’s true. I too had to learn through different emotions just like you’re doing now, and while we mostly talk about the emotions of happy, sad, and mad, somewhere in all the life I’ve lived, I adopted the unpleasant emotion of fear. Something that only intensified after I became a mother and harvests a lot of the anxiety I have today.
When you become a parent there’s so much joy and happiness, but it’s not without worry and apprehension, and yes even fear of the unknown with these beautiful little humans we’ve been blessed to raise. The fears we once only harvested inside for ourselves is now all of a sudden multiplied into the fear for others and it can feel like herding cats trying to keep them safe. It’s just plain scary for lack of a better word. Which brings me to the present day where our worlds collide, and something I’ve grown to fear to my core, but brings you unequivocal joy. So now what?
Let me back up a bit…
You see Ad, we came to a point in our lives where vacationing or just taking a break was hard. Hotels were unfamiliar to you and the walls definitely not thick enough to mask any sort of meltdown, so vacations ended up being more exhausting (literally for everyone) than relaxing. How about an airplane destination? Well let’s just say we’re not there yet, but luckily for us the great state we live in has some of the best vacationing destinations around - being close to mountains and the beach. Everything is just a short road trip away – bonus!
Now having said that we have come to know that the beach our happy place, but sometimes as a parent happiness is when your children or family are happy and not necessarily your own idea of happiness.
The beach.
Now don’t get me wrong, I actually love the beach. My feet buried in the sand, salty sea air blowing a warm summer breeze on my face, and plenty of mother natures vitamin D shining above – perfection and all sorts of happiness! Where it all falls apart for me is as soon as one of my loved one’s stepb foot in the ocean water. The ocean Addie, I fear the ocean. Sounds silly right?
Here’s the thing Addie, I want to love it. I really do, but I see an abyss of danger staring back at me. Every crashing wave a reminder of my fear - every crashing wave that you crave and love. You see a sensory dream with water touching every point on your body. The taste of the salty water soothes your PICA and texture of the sand calms your soul – it’s all magic and the far from anything scary for you! I on the other hand see things very differently. Despite with years of effort, you are not yet a great swimmer, and rip currents are very real. Also, no matter how hard I try to think they won’t bother us, we are invading someone else’s territory – sharks. I’m terrified of sharks. Like really scared.
Trust me I’ve heard it all… shark attacks are rare and usually happen from mistaken identity. Ummmmmmmmm mistaken identity? Is that suppose to make me feel better? How does that even work? Do they bite you and then pop up and say “oh my bad, I was looking for a seal – sorry about your missing leg.” Not cool shark, not cool. Years of Shark Week definitely hasn’t helped my fear either, but this is very real for me and I honestly wish it wasn’t. Literally no one else in this family sees it that way, just me and maybe that means somewhere along the line I’ve done good in parenting and have not passed my fears on to y’all, but it exhausts me to no end and I don’t truly feel relaxed until we are all accounted for and off the beach with all our limbs.
I know this all sounds dramatic and crazy and I’ll own that 100% no problem.
So how do we make this work when my fear comes full force smacking me in the face to everyone else’s enjoyment? To the enjoyment that forces me into the water with lurking sea creatures because Lord knows we are the farthest thing from a family with kids happily sitting building sand castle on the shore? Compromise. It’s a great compromise Ad.
In full disclosure if anyone sees our family on the beach, we all look like we are on some sort of house arrest with our giant Magnetic SharkBanz anklets. In theory they work by scrambling the shark’s senses with a super strong magnet, and it might be just snake oil Ad who knows, but it’s the security I needed to at least get in the water to keep you from floating out to sea and sneak a front row glimpse of my family enjoying the beach in all its glory. It’s basically the equivalent of a child’s blankie protecting them from under the bed monsters…except my version of monsters really exist and bedroom monsters, well – you get my point. Sharkbanz, you in a life vest, and staying waist deep doesn’t stop me from looking for shark fins or my heart racing a bit but it’s a start.
We all have fear Ad and no one can tell you that your own personal fears are not justified, but how much you allow them to stop you from living is up to you and no one else.
Our worlds collided with something that certainly terrifies me but is an overwhelming sense of joy for you. It was your joy and inability to understand what stay at the shore line meant that forced me to find a way, any way, to face my greatest fear. I’m still not 100% comfortable, but I’ve come a long way thanks to you.
Thank you for giving me the push I needed to find a way Ad.
Keep splashing baby girl, I’ll be right there with you, still looking for dorsal fins and shadows in the water, but hey, I’m in the water. Baby steps right?!
Love,
Mom
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